I’m not absolutely sure you could transform lead into gold, but I do know that now is one of your best chances ever to pull it off. – Rob Brezsny, weighing in on the same subject

It’s like a dream come true. Not that dream where I’m pushed on stage and have to perform the lead in a play I’ve never rehearsed, but another kind of dream, where I’m pushed on stage and receive a standing ovation that lasts several minutes, owing to something I’ve accomplished but am not aware of. Not being the type to go out and make things happen, I’m encouraged when the Universe sends me signs in the form of horoscopes printed in the newspaper, telling me that everything’s looking good.

My success is totally up to me! That is excellent news, because I have several freshly written New Country songs that I am certain will become hits, if only I can get them into the right hands. Having never written a New Country hit, or indeed a hit of any kind, I have operated under the assumption that my success in that arena would depend on the cooperation of a high-powered music executive. Not so, I now see! Or, alternately: it is so, but that cooperation is within my reach. Yessssss!

Because my success is up to me, I cannot engage in self-defeating behaviors like revealing the names and/or lyrics of these excellent New Country Mega-Hits (let’s just call them Mega-Hits, which is what they are sure to be), thereby allowing someone to swoop in and co-opt my ideas. You won’t know which excellent songs are mine until one day next year, when you’re watching the Country Music Awards, assuming such a thing exists, and see me gracefully take the stage to accept my statuette for Best New New Country Song In The History Of Mankind.

It’s about time someone in my life had a big hit song. As those of you who’ve been reading Spark and Foam since the beginning (i.e., me) will remember, the Keelhauler has over the years come up with a couple of great songs, including the Bungee Cord Song and the following, which has no title, and which he performs as a rap:

In her high-heeled shoes
She walks like C-3PO
She gives out more screws
Than the Home Deep-io

I enjoy hearing him perform this rap, but I have difficulty believing it has long-term airplay potential, especially since the Keelhauler has no sporty rap nickname to buoy his rating on the charts. Still, I think he should be encouraged. Yesterday, he called me to say that he thought he’d made up a new song, which goes like this:

A guy at V T
Went and shot thirty-three
But only the last one was worth it.

If your daughter or son
Has got a handgun,
Please make them put-under-the-earth it.

It’s vintage Keelhauler—topical, tough on gun control, set to a rousing sea chantey. I think it could be great for Bob Seger.

My other genius song idea—I’m sorry, I should be more modest. My other brilliant song idea came to me after reading the lovely bornearly’s request for titles of annoying oldies hits. Someone had suggested “Timothy,” which if you don’t know it, you should: its narrative concerns an unfortunate incident of cannibalism following a mining disaster—everything you could want in a rock song! My friend Jim’s band used to cover that song on occasion, and I happened to remember that “Timothy” was written by Rupert Holmes, who also wrote “Escape,” the song about piña coladas and walks in the rain and dinks who cheat on each other via the personal ads. Would it not be a superb idea, I thought, to combine these two songs into one? “If you like cann-i-bal-ism… [doona doot doot…]” It is an excellent idea, and although I am not sure what to do with the idea, the important thing is that I had it. Like sex, or chicken pox.

With that, I’m off to San Francisco for the weekend.