I�m not absolutely sure you could transform lead into gold, but I do know that now is one of your best chances ever to pull it off. � Rob Brezsny, weighing in on the same subject

It�s like a dream come true. Not that dream where I�m pushed on stage and have to perform the lead in a play I�ve never rehearsed, but another kind of dream, where I�m pushed on stage and receive a standing ovation that lasts several minutes, owing to something I�ve accomplished but am not aware of. Not being the type to go out and make things happen, I�m encouraged when the Universe sends me signs in the form of horoscopes printed in the newspaper, telling me that everything�s looking good.

My success is totally up to me! That is excellent news, because I have several freshly written New Country songs that I am certain will become hits, if only I can get them into the right hands. Having never written a New Country hit, or indeed a hit of any kind, I have operated under the assumption that my success in that arena would depend on the cooperation of a high-powered music executive. Not so, I now see! Or, alternately: it is so, but that cooperation is within my reach. Yessssss!

Because my success is up to me, I cannot engage in self-defeating behaviors like revealing the names and/or lyrics of these excellent New Country Mega-Hits (let�s just call them Mega-Hits, which is what they are sure to be), thereby allowing someone to swoop in and co-opt my ideas. You won�t know which excellent songs are mine until one day next year, when you�re watching the Country Music Awards, assuming such a thing exists, and see me gracefully take the stage to accept my statuette for Best New New Country Song In The History Of Mankind.

It�s about time someone in my life had a big hit song. As those of you who�ve been reading Spark and Foam since the beginning (i.e., me) will remember, the Keelhauler has over the years come up with a couple of great songs, including the Bungee Cord Song and the following, which has no title, and which he performs as a rap:

In her high-heeled shoes
She walks like C-3PO
She gives out more screws
Than the Home Deep-io

I enjoy hearing him perform this rap, but I have difficulty believing it has long-term airplay potential, especially since the Keelhauler has no sporty rap nickname to buoy his rating on the charts. Still, I think he should be encouraged. Yesterday, he called me to say that he thought he�d made up a new song, which goes like this:

A guy at V T
Went and shot thirty-three
But only the last one was worth it.

If your daughter or son
Has got a handgun,
Please make them put-under-the-earth it.

It�s vintage Keelhauler�topical, tough on gun control, set to a rousing sea chantey. I think it could be great for Bob Seger.

My other genius song idea�I�m sorry, I should be more modest. My other brilliant song idea came to me after reading the lovely bornearly�s request for titles of annoying oldies hits. Someone had suggested �Timothy,� which if you don�t know it, you should: its narrative concerns an unfortunate incident of cannibalism following a mining disaster�everything you could want in a rock song! My friend Jim�s band used to cover that song on occasion, and I happened to remember that �Timothy� was written by Rupert Holmes, who also wrote �Escape,� the song about pi�a coladas and walks in the rain and dinks who cheat on each other via the personal ads. Would it not be a superb idea, I thought, to combine these two songs into one? �If you like cann-i-bal-ism� [doona doot doot�]� It is an excellent idea, and although I am not sure what to do with the idea, the important thing is that I had it. Like sex, or chicken pox.

With that, I�m off to San Francisco for the weekend.