The Keelhauler and I recently visited his family in Wisconsin. Feel free to call it "Sconnie" or "Wisco," depending on your mood, to increase your Midwest Hipness Quotient (MHQ).

I very much enjoy our visits there, not just for the natural beauty of the landscape and the warm and happy welcome we inevitably receive from his family, but because the Keelhauler has many odd and dark elements from his past that always manage to collide with him when he returns. These elements do not involve bank robbery (that I know of) or any mundane criminal activity, but rather involve a mystique that, since his departure immediately following high school, has sprung up around him. Allow me to illustrate.

A while back, the Keelhauler and I went back to Wisco for his sister's wedding. The Keelhauler was a groomsman. I wore a navy-blue wrap dress, but it did not make one shred of difference because nobody even noticed me once they noticed the Keelhauler in his tuxedo. One person in particular was a guest we will call Sherry Panhandle, although her real name is Marie Hornbattle. The occasion of spying the Keelhauler at the wedding reception caused her to launch an assault that I feel is best explained in the form of a short play:

Enter SHERRY, a 47-year-old woman with short-cropped hair, gripping a wine cooler, barrelling in from stage left at a 15-degree list.

SHERRY: OH MY FUCKING GOD NO WAY! NO FUCKING WAY!

KEELHAULER: Uh... [turning bright red] Uh...

SHERRY: Oh my fucking God, I was hoping so bad you were gonna be here. I shit you not--you are still so fucking HOT!! I told my husband, we are GOING to this fucking wedding, if them Keelhaul boys are gonna be there, oh my God, I shit you not, you were always the hottest boys in town, I SHIT YOU NOT! [manhandles Keelhauler, growling]

VIOLET: Hello. I am Vio...

[Time lapse of ten minutes of manhandling and shitting-you-not.]

SHERRY: [hauling me aside, stage whispering] If you fuck this up, so help me God, IF YOU FUCK THIS UP YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID! I shit you not!

VIOLET: ...Thank you. I'll take that into considera...

SHERRY: ANYway...

Lights fade. End scene.

So, that really was kind of an unusual incident, which I like to recall from time to time by stage-whispering "I shit you not!!" into the Keelhauler's ear. His resulting discomfort is palpable, and to me, humorous. Try it, next time you encounter him.

I have another similar story to relate, which happened more recently, but it will wait until tomorrow. I shit you not.

Star of the day. . .David Lowery