The secretary�s job is not one for the erratic genius; you have to be consistently good.
Clearly, given my quirky intellect, I should never have been given this job in the first place. My punishment for weaseling through the cracks in the interview process is having to negotiate a work day filled with pitfalls a more consistent personality type would skip right over, like a cheerful first-grader on the first day of school. Who is also skipping rope.

You might find it a good idea to keep a game or puzzle on hand in case your employer�s children come to the office
No. Those puzzles are for my use only. Got it, Little Miss Privilege?

Beware of a �superior� attitude.
I consider my �superior� attitude a right, and regard it as necessary to conceal the fact that my main talent is jealously guarding the puzzles my boss believes I have provided for his daughter�s amusement.

Show your executive that you don�t lose your head at office parties, and he will know that you can be counted on at business dinners
If there was anyone even partially make-out-worthy here in my office, I would get hammered and make out with them at every office party possible, just to ward off the possibility that I might be required to attend business dinners with my boss. Sadly, the office has a 99% make-out-worthy-free staff, with the remaining one percent represented by me, Violet. (Oh, yes. I am make-out-worthy! But back off, office boy� you are not good enough to kiss my toner cartridge.)

Be romantic, if you like, but be discreet!
See prior rule.
Stay clear of all private office societies, which have a habit of breeding dissent and jealousies with those who are not �in.�
Damn it! The office chapter of the Masons is on the verge of accepting me as a member! Now you tell me I�ve gotta turn them down?

Capitalize all reference to the Deity of any member of the Christian Trinity or the Virgin Mary.
I have had no opportunity to reference any of these entities in any business correspondence thus far, however I do enjoy to refer to my boss as The Great God Pan when fielding long-distance telephone calls on his behalf, so I feel I should get half-credit on this one. (You can just HEAR the capitals when I say his name.) Perhaps, to make up, I will add �and the Baby Jesus� to the signature line of my boss�s next letter.

Learn to ignore petty annoyances.
There seems to be little point in this. Focusing on petty annoyances is the only thing that keeps me awake and alert during the work day. (Fucking people�if they just looked on the sign-in board, they�d KNOW that Cheryl is on vacation until next Friday. Do they think I keep the board there for my health? Who moved my puzzles?)

Star of the day. . .Alma Rubens

posted @ 12:37 p.m. on June 21, 2005 before | after

She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......