Welcome to prong number two of my three-pronged holiday gift-giving program. Today, we’ll be focusing on a particularly difficult sector of your gift list, which is: children.

I don’t have any kids (“that I know of”), but the Keelhauler has six nieces or nephews. Each December, our shopping expedition to chaotic, brightly lit stores turns into a close representation of the casino scene in “Rainman,” with me as Tom Cruise and the Keelhauler as that other guy who wanders around, dazed by all the flashing lights. The only thing missing is Iris, the prostitute.

Anyway, I’ve found that successful gifts for children can be boiled down into one simple word: booze. Booze, and lots of it. Not for the kids—take my word on that one—but for yourself. Glug down as much booze as you can hold, sleep through Christmas, and show up sometime after New Year’s with a red-eyed grin and a $30 savings bond. The main idea here is to keep expectations low. If you show up with excellent, gigantic presents one year, you’re pretty much obligated to top it the following, and next thing you know, you’re taking out a home loan to hire Ludacris to play some kid’s 16th birthday party.

So, to recap:

Booze.

Star of the day. . .Smith Wigglesworth