Welcome to prong number two of my three-pronged holiday gift-giving program. Today, we�ll be focusing on a particularly difficult sector of your gift list, which is: children.

I don�t have any kids (�that I know of�), but the Keelhauler has six nieces or nephews. Each December, our shopping expedition to chaotic, brightly lit stores turns into a close representation of the casino scene in �Rainman,� with me as Tom Cruise and the Keelhauler as that other guy who wanders around, dazed by all the flashing lights. The only thing missing is Iris, the prostitute.

Anyway, I�ve found that successful gifts for children can be boiled down into one simple word: booze. Booze, and lots of it. Not for the kids�take my word on that one�but for yourself. Glug down as much booze as you can hold, sleep through Christmas, and show up sometime after New Year�s with a red-eyed grin and a $30 savings bond. The main idea here is to keep expectations low. If you show up with excellent, gigantic presents one year, you�re pretty much obligated to top it the following, and next thing you know, you�re taking out a home loan to hire Ludacris to play some kid�s 16th birthday party.

So, to recap:

Booze.

Star of the day. . .Smith Wigglesworth