OK, so the powers of the SECRET have not been garnering much return over here at Violet House. It is possible that my unconscious has been, against my will, sending out vibes of negativity that are jamming the phone lines and preventing Dick Valentine from calling me. Then again, perhaps I am just not patient enough. According to the laws of Attraction, there has to be some kind of waiting period, like if I wish for an elephant and an elephant instantly appears, that is TOO SOON. That's the example I read, anyway. But really, what if I needed an elephant right that second? Like, I had his hay pile and ankle chain all ready, and then he didn't show up? So... I'm not sure about the accuracy of the laws of attraction.

In the meantime, while I wait for the piles of free excellent money to be delivered, I amused myself by studying up on the Evils of rock music, as outlined in the 1983 edition of "Rock: For Those Who Listen To The Words And Don't Like What They Hear" by awesome Christian evangelist/exorcist Bob Larson. My mother gave me a copy of this book when I was in high school, in a passive-aggressive effort to get me to burn my Rolling Stones records, and I recently acquired a copy on Amazon for the price of one cent, plus shipping. Thank God I've decided to revisit its wisdom, because as it turns out, I have been seriously backsliding.

That one cent (plus shipping) was well-spent. The excellence of this book cannot be understated, from its silver foil-embossed (hence: rockin') cover (with lightning bolts!) to its author's fascination with Shaun Cassidy's tight satin pants "with appropriate bulges."

You should all read this book yourselves, to save your soul from going to Hell because you listened to Pat Benatar, but because I have a little time on my hands, I will outline its most valuable lessons here (you're welcome):

• Some rock fans do not care about someone insulting their parents or God, but will literally dismember someone who says �one word against� their favorite band. (p. 78) One word!


• Sly Stone �managed to survive repeated nose operations.� (p. 142)


• A pedometer worn by Steven Tyler during a performance tracked the distance he covered at four miles (p. 124). As you should know, anything over three miles is considered Evil.


• If, when you abandon Evil rock for Christian rock (or �Jesus Music,� as Mr. Larson calls it), you shouldn�t get all crazy in your newfound zeal and just buy records based solely on the fact that they sound good. (p. 103) Really good Christian rock will ideally sound like crap. That�s how you know it�s holy.


• Satan, back in the day, �may have been� the first dancer (p. 52), who realized that his �talent� could act as a force for mankind�s destruction. This could explain the Electric Slide.


• George Harrison�s fruitless search for spiritual meaning �led him into herbs.� (p. 37)


• Some people believe that syncopated rhythms are �morally dangerous.� (Take that, Duke Ellington!) (p. 67)


• Many parents have been �brainwashed� by watching �Charlie�s Angels,� which can lead their teenagers to view their negative reactions to rock music as hypocritical. (p. 70)


• It is possible to learn �the intricacies of villainy� by watching �Kojak.� (p. 70)


• John Lennon �managed at least one oriental hit.� (p. 34)


• Though you may not have been �blessed� with �a quarterback or a cheerleader,� you should still love your kid. (p 79) God is infinitely wise, and knows that someone has to staff the AV squad and the junior high marching band. It�s your burden to bear, so do it gladly.


• An �undiscerning drummer� is capable of eroticizing an audience and creating �unhealthy urges.� (p. 101) Always, always check your drummer for an appropriate level of discernment. I cannot stress this enough.


• The central message of Evil rock is: �Get high. Forget the hassles. Parents don�t understand. Move with the music. We�re taking over someday. Kick out the jams!� (p. 108) But don�t listen to it�your soul is at stake! For God�s sake, leave those jams in place!


• The size of Dolly Parton�s breasts renders her music just as immoral as that of the Rolling Stones. (p. 82)


• If your parents tell you to do something wrong, and you disobey them, God will punish you for your disobedience. (p. 109) (Except if the parent is not Christian, i.e., �sinful,� in which case, you should obey the �higher law of God�)


• Even if Evil rock musicians aren�t gay, don�t take a bunch of drugs, or sing about sex, if they are not listed in the glossary of Evil bands in the back of the book, you should not listen to them without lots and lots of research into the character of the band members. (p. 122)


• Jesus loves the �sex-obsessed rock star� and you equally.(p. 122) So don�t judge, man.

And� Back to waiting for my elephant.

Star of the day. . .Rob Tyner