In which I consider attraction

This afternoon, unrelated to anything I can name, I remembered a story I�d heard about a guy who works here. I�ll call him Kirk. The story concerned his accidental sending of a personal e-mail to a large group of people. I hadn�t received the message, and he�s not someone who works in my department, or who I have any regular contact with, so I�m not sure why the memory surfaced. A short while later, the phone rang, and it was Kirk, who�d called me by accident. He�s never called me before, so I am left to understand that the only logical explanation for the incident is that my magical powers of Attraction summoned him.

I�m fine with having these powers, but in Kirk�s case, there was no real gain. I just ended up looking up the number he meant to dial, and telling him what it was. Probably, that is just a side-effect of being new to the whole Attraction front. Soon, I will be able to control and govern my powers, putting them to their proper use, where they will glean me free jewels and car washes.

If you�re feeling jealous, I would recommend that you not feel that way any more. Just stop it. Here�s one way: visualize a big red sign saying STOP on it, similar to a stop sign, smashing down on your feelings of envy for my good fortune. Because, really, everything in life that you have, you ordered. Life is like a giant restaurant, and if you end up with burnt toast, it is because you secretly wished for burnt toast. Probably so you�d have something to complain about, like you like to do. You might say, �Oh, I hate burnt toast,� but let�s face it: you love having people feel bad for you because you never get quite what you wanted in restaurants. Like, remember that time we were at Mel�s, and you ordered a Chinese chicken salad? Anyone could tell you that Mel�s is a burger joint, and that you should stick to the basics, but no: Chinese chicken salad, you had to have it, and what did you do? Stared at my hamburger the whole time, until I felt bad and offered you half.

I can tell you now: I resented it at the time, and if you�re still looking for a reason that I didn�t invite you to the opening of my watercolor exhibit, just look back to that day at Mel�s, honey. I feel so much better for having told you! I just know that this confession is going to Attract a whole lot of truth and honesty to me, and to my lifestyle. I can let go of my burden of feeling guilty about resenting everything about you.

Also, I told everyone what a bitch you were that day, but I have since purged my own conscience of any bad feelings towards you, and hence will not Attract any more bitchy, selfish, attention-hog friends who make a habit, when dining out, of ordering the lowest-calorie offering on the menu and then making pointed remarks about extra poundage on certain other people, e.g., me, Violet. As if they are perfect. As if all their other friends are eleven-pound supermodels and they�re hanging around with me only because I have a working car and a lot of free time to drive them places. I�m free of that! Oh, my God, it is so amazing to let go of all my hatred and resentment of your shallowness! From now on, I will Attract beautiful friends, who are not quite as beautiful as I am, but really close, like you could barely even gauge the difference with the naked eye, beauty-wise, but in the final run-off vote, I would win. Plus, they will all wear the same size as me and if I gain four pounds they would, too. Not that I would gain�Attract�weight. No. My new powers repel weight and send it off to people who are starving, like in Eutheropia.

This year is going to be great! I�m already thinking of all the things I can Attract�besides free jewels and shoes and needlepoint kits. Like, out of the blue, I could get a call from Dick Valentine of the Electric Six, begging me to be his West Coast girlfriend. And then, while we�re at Mel�s enjoying fragrant hamburgers, my old Chinese chicken salad friends will come in and see his evident devotion to me, and be muy jelioso of me, and apologize for saying that I had no right to wear those jeans. Because look at me now�those jeans look HOTT, and so do I, and me and my Electric Six boyfriend are totally 100% in LOVE, and he is totally taking me on tour with him, and when we get to New York, we�re going to go see Jesus Christ Superstar, because he knows of my secret love of musical theatre. And unlike some people, who find that amusing, it actually makes him love me more, for my HONESTY and childlike sweetness. In my new incarnation, I am able to Attract a man who enjoys my unique qualities and is not afraid to make out heavily with me, even in front of certain other people at Mel�s, because he is not ashamed of his devotion, and will prove it through the medium of full-chest tattooing.

Also, I plan to Attract one million of unlimited money from the Universe. Thank you, Universe, in advance, for your help in this important matter. Now, let�s get out there and celebrate the goddess in us all! And by �us all,� I really mean, �me�!

Sincerely,

Violet

P.S.


Just putting it out there, Universe...



Star of the day. . .Pete "Thunderball" Wrigley
posted @ 4:39 p.m. on March 14, 2007 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......