Here is an unanswerable question: Why do certain people refer to themselves in the third person? Is it out of ego? Some kind of dissociative personality disorder? Total lack of shame?

Here's another question: What is the proper response when faced with someone referring to himself by his own name? Because here's what I always do: feel an acute sense of superiority. That's almost certainly not the effect desired by the speaker, but it's all I can muster, outside of suppressed laughter. It all depends on what degree of craziness I perceive. Some third-person-referrers are just dinks, like Mr. T, or the lawyer who handled my car accident case a while back, but some of them are crazy and frightening.

When I lived on the East Coast, there was this guy who hung around in the clubs, named "Bobs," and for lord's sake, do NOT call him "Bob" singular even though it seems more logical, because Bobs is the embodiment of "brawn over brain," and the rules of logic have no power over him. If you call him Bob, he will bring the smackdown on you, and it will not be pretty.

I encountered him ("Bobs") only three or four times, at a club or a party, but each time I witnessed him delivering his signature Bobs lecture. (Not to me: I avoided speaking to him.) It was dangerous to be caught appearing to observe him, which is a shame, because he was a huge freak, volatile and unsettling, and while some of my friends laughed and did impressions, they were careful to do it out of his sight.

I once witnessed a conversation between him and an acquaintance of mine, named [sigh] Wreck. It was at a party following a concert, and apparently Bobs had been up on stage with the band, playing harmonica (I do not recall that particular detail). Wreck was trying very hard to curry favor with Bobs, in a conversational equivalent of tossing scraps of meat over the fence to a dog you hope to pass unscathed. The two were discussing the show we'd all just seen. Well, except for Bobs. Bobs was discussing Bobs.

Bobs: Did you see Bobs up there? Bobs was onstage with the band.

Wreck: Yeah, man, that was great! You looked great up there, Bob!

Bobs: It's BOBS! BOBS!!

Wreck: Bobs! Right. Sorry about that, man.

Bobs: Did you see, Bobs just got up there, started blowing harp with them.

Wreck: Totally! You're awesome, man!

Bobs: [suddenly temperamental] Bullshit--you didn't see Bobs up there playing harp. You don't even know if Bobs can PLAY harp! You're just saying that.

Wreck: Look, man--I didn't see it, that's true, but if Bobs says that Bobs can play harp, I believe Bobs can play harp. Bobs would not lie, man.

Bobs: That's cool. Bobs can respect you saying that.

(They both nod, having reached accord.)

Me: [thinking] WHAT THE FUCK...?

Star of the day. . .Kaw-Liga