Today's challenge is to fiind a rhyme with orange. Well, it's not exactly a CHALLENGE, per se, but because I am contentious and competitive by nature, that's how I interpreted our friend Max's gleeful e-mail that announced his success at finding a rhyme with "orange." Max goes on occasional tears, becoming obsessed with subjects like the Green Party, anti-abortion propaganda, or obscure mixed drinks. Today, his fixation is finding a rhyme with "orange."

I won't quote the rhyme he sent, in case he's copyrighted it, but I found it totally unconvincing. Hence, the challenge to come up with something better. (Because there's no finer way to cultivate friendship than to constantly one-up people in meaningless contests! Trust me: they may "resent" your superiority, but in your later years, you'll have many hours in which to sit all alone and contemplate your past mistakes.)

Anyway, after a little thought, I came up with something. It is deeply stupid, but I think that's acceptable, given that if there was a legitimate rhyme for orange, someone much smarter than I would have come up with it 300 years ago. The Keelhauler volunteered the third line, and this is the result:

Senator Hatch--that's Orrin--joked,
"Re-do these floors in orange oak!"
But maybe heart of pomegranate
would look nicer in the senate.

Hey! How is that for some classic, classic poetry? I know, it's impressive, and will almost certainly irritate Max into apoplepsy, apoplexy... whatever that word is.

Anyway, the Keelhauler wanted to chime in with his own rhyme, which he required that I type. Inspired by my poem's sharp political statement, he started free-associating lines concerning the recent mudslide at La Conchita, attempting to work in a rhyme about an "orange bus" that he envisioned was employed by county workers to evacuate residents. That angle broke down after a series of frustrating arguments, and he moved onto another topic: peaceable hippies.

It took a little convincing to persuade him that it would be tricky to pull off a poem that started with the line "Pulled over by the cops," but eventually, this resulted:

Hassled daily by the cops
What is with these frequent stops?
Patchouli, tie-dye and my dreads,
stickers of the Grateful Dead,
I'm a peaceful hippie guy,
so understanding reasons why
the man keeps hassling me is tough.
Why do they treat me oh so rough?
I didn't speed or weave around,
So what's the reason that he found?
I'm legal in my orange bus.
This rap could not be more unjust.
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Star of the day. . .Blacky Ranchette