A number of people (three) have contacted me recently to say I�d appeared in their dreams. Some folks might consider listening to a recitation of dreams irritating, but my refined dream-interpretation skills make the experience fascinating to me, moreso if I play a starring role in the dream under discussion. I always enjoy listening to others� tales of how I appeared to their sleeping selves as a princess, a famous ice skater, or a collector of rare geraniums or gems. You can�t buy better publicity than appearing unbidden in the brain of a totally passive, sleeping person.

In addition, I am frequently called upon to interpret dreams�it�s true, I am the modern-day Joseph, sans the Egyptian slave bracelets and many-colored coat�and I am always eager to lend assistance at no charge whatsoever. Go ahead�ask me! My interpretations generally run to two themes: 1) You want to have sex with me, or 2) You want to watch me have sex with your girlfriend. Most likely, the interpretation I give you will not reveal that I perceive your desire to have sex with me, but I WILL BE THINKING IT.

The large number of dream-interpretation requests I�ve received of late has created a backlog, and so to assist those of you who may need interpretations, I offer this handy, if abridged, guide. Peruse it, apply it to your own dream, then contact me if you still have questions about symbols not covered herein.

VIOLET�S DREAM INTERPRETATION GUIDE FOR THE VIVID

• Ants -- Dreaming of ants indicates the presence of venereal disease in its early stages.


• Anteaters -- The dreamer is a creep and/or owes back taxes to the state.


• Bats -- Bats flying in a dream signal the onset of flatulence. Sleeping bats are regarding in many cultures as a subconscious understanding that one is in deep denial of one�s true sexuality. Like, perhaps the dreamer wishes to copulate with bats. (Note: that is bad and wrong, and the dreamer should dream something else.)


• Blue -- The presence of the color blue in a dream indicates that someone close to the dreamer is a lying, scheming, dishonest convenience-store robber, and should be turned in to the police at the earliest opportunity.


• Blue-green -- Blue-green water, gems, or pants symbolize Swedishness on the part of the dreamer or someone he or she knows. Blue-green eyes, however, indicate that the dreamer�s retirement fund has been drained by unscrupulous money managers.


• Blue-violet -- The dreamer wants to have sex with me.


• Cats -- The dreamer�s car registration is due to expire.


• Dogs -- Dogs are a clear indication that the dreamer should expect a visit from Todd Rundgren.


• Eggs -- Disable any virus-protection software, and continue as normal.


• Fonzie -- Arthur �Fonzie� Fonzerelli�s appearance in a dream heralds the arrival of coupons. (Note: the appearance of the actor Henry Winkler signals expired yogurt.)


• Fur -- Fox, sable, or mink in a dream indicates that the dreamer wants to have sex with me and at least two supermodels in a bed of freesias. Otter or raccoon fur signal an impending energy crisis in the dreamer�s immediate municipality.


• Gems -- Piles of faceted, unset gems in a dream mean that the dreamer�s book club is secretly meeting without him or her.


• Gum -- If the gum is spearmint, the corn crop will fail.


• Guns -- Dreaming of guns means that the dreamer is impotent and/or wants to have sex with me. Dreaming of other artillery, e.g., cannons or grenades, indicates a threesome.


• Hillary Duff -- At some time in the next three days, the dreamer will apply for work at the post office.


• Ice -- See �Gum.�


• Ice cream -- Financial insolvency, and/or the arrival of Masonite.


• Jam -- The dreamer should check to see that his/her bra strap is not visible.


• Jelly -- Stuttering.


• Kites -- This is a multiple-part answer. If the kites dreamt of are of the paper variety, say, in the form of a diamond or a dragon, the dreamer should consider a subscription to Architectural Digest. Kites of the avian type indicate an unhealthy interest in World War II memorabilia.


• Lemons � Limes -- Those pants make the dreamer look slightly chunky.


• Mint -- Mint is a pernicious weed, which makes its appearance in dreams a clear and ominous sign that lambs will always hover near the dreamer.


• Nebuchadnezzar -- The dreamer should not ignore that slight whining sound coming from the engine�it could be the water pump failing.


• Opie Taylor -- The dreamer will receive a gift of almonds.


• Privacy -- A neo-Maoist will attempt to repossess the dreamer�s late-model automobile.


• Quakers -- Irritating music will enter the dreamer�s life, causing bad decision-making.


• Rodents -- Mice or rats send a message that the dreamer should shave his or her armpits with care. A dream of rabbits indicates that the dreamer is unclear on what is or is not a rodent.


• Snakes -- The dreamer is a prevert.


• Trimarans -- A new variety of daffodil will be named after the dreamer, but be bogged down in the copyright process.


• Underwear -- Boxers signal the foolishness of investing in a new sofabed. All other types of undergarments predict scurvy.


• Violet -- Indicates being kissed on the lips by Alec Guinness.


• Water -- Codependence.


• X-Rays -- The dreamer�s neighbors can see through his/her walls and are doing so right now and taking extensive notes.


• Yellow -- Immersion.


• You -- Dreaming of oneself indicates that the dreamer wishes to have sex with me.


• Zsa Zsa Gabor -- Dreamer is a drag queen.

Star of the day. . .Carl Jung