An hour ago, I was standing in the parking lot at the post office, pulling out the two boxes of presents intended for my family in Massachusetts, when my friend Nate called from San Francisco. He had taken the day off work, he said, and was looking out the window of his view of the bay, and had just opened a bottle of Champagne. My instant jealous reaction was tempered by his statement that, knowing that people are feeling stress about getting ready for Christmas, he had decided to reach out and spread some holiday cheer. I thought it was an excellent idea, to spread the joy, and so in that spirit, I have a little cheer to share with you all.

My holiday wish for you comes in the form of a party activity, so it works best if you a) are at a party and b) like to grope friends and relative strangers. This activity, which can be enacted at the drop of a hat, can either augment or replace mistletoe, most of which you can get at the store is squashed and unsightly, and at any rate, the berries are pure poison. It goes like this: when you find yourself in a crowded hallway at a party, perhaps waiting in line for the bathroom, declare the space to be the Hall of Cheap Feels, and encourage others to grope passers-by. It is a very popular activity, I have found, and spreads the holiday cheer at absolutely no cost to the donor. Any time a new person comes along, announce, �Welcome to the Hall of Cheap Feels!� and progress at will. I think you will find that you will make many new friends, and rekindle old relationships, all in the holiday spirit. Deck the halls, indeed.

Further in the holiday spirit, I am attempting to drown out the lovely but somnolent Christmas music coming from Melvin�s cube with a CD I just received in the mail from Smed. It starts off with Funkadelic�s �Get Off Your Ass and Jam,� which I�m going to lobby as a replacement for Janis Joplin�s �Mercedes Benz� as my family�s official Christmas song. We sing it every Christmas morning, sitting at the breakfast table with the traditional coffee cake and mandarin oranges picked from the tree in the yard. Sometimes, newcomers to the family react with polite disdain or outright embarrassment, but eventually, they come around. I anticipate some resistance to my suggestion�after all, there are not many Christmas songs that begin with the spirited exclamation, �Shit!� but these are modern times, and they call for modern measures.

So, shit! Goddamn! Get off your ass and jam, y�all!

And have yourselves a merry little Christmas. Now.

P.S.

Check out my new cyber-friend Ms. Becky, who is another Ventura gal to add to your list of great entertainers of the century. Ventura, represent!

Star of the day. . .Bootsy Collins