In my brief illness (from which I have mostly recovered, thanks to all of you who sent floral tributes) I had time to think over many things, one of which is: shoes. Let me share this fascinating fever dream with you. (You�re welcome.)

Shoes I do not own, and with which I am not down

• The denim


• The tapestry, especially in boot form


• The printed with Andy Warhol soup cans


• The knit, especially the knit clog


• The Lucite platform, especially the glitter-filled or illuminated


• The jelly


• The translucent slide


• The be-fruited


• The neon-hued


• The quilted, and I don�t care if they are designed by Chanel


• The plastic

Shoes I own that should appear on the previous list, yet which I have not disposed of for reasons that remain obscure to me

• The high-heeled wedge sandals covered in linen printed with jungle animals


• The camouflage-print calf-hair platforms (bonus: the platform is made of some ghastly black fake-cork stuff!)


• The electric-blue metallic leather strappy flats (for the max in crazy)


• The heliotrope suede really, really pointy mules with annoying Sabrina heels


• The thigh-high black leather stiletto-heeled lace-up boots with red patent detail�bought in Paris, while drunk. Still, there is no excuse. I am ashamed and hence outing myself here, as penitence. Don�t judge me.


• You know, those jungle-animal sandals are surprisingly subtle, for footwear bearing the image of a giraffe.


• The bronze leather sandals with moss-green velvet platform heels festooned with bronze nailheads�what the hell? Seriously, what the hell? Am I Stevie Nicks?


• The blue-and-gold-striped satin espadrilles I bought to wear with this one outfit that, once I wore it, revealed its ludicrousness to the world and eventually, me.


• Really, really high, extremely pointy quasi-cowboy boots of insanity that are treacherous to wear. I have these in black AND �cognac,� the latter of which is also tooled with like, roses, for maximum Bret Michaels appeal. I have never worn the cognac pair, because the one time I wore the black ones, I nearly tipped over onto my face from the acute angle of the heels. Thank God I got two pairs! I�m the smartest shopper ever.


• The bronze leather wedge sandals with heels that ripple both up and down AND side-to side, we are talking rippling in two separate planes, here, and also the vamp features a constellation of bedazzled, variform green Swarovski crystals. And there are detachable leather tassels, which also feature crystals and a golden charm in the shape of the shoe brand�s logo. I�m going to move on, because I think I just broke my own heart.


• The pair of boots I cannot even bring myself to describe because I am overwhelmed with shame. To give you a slight hint of my pain, I will share with you the adjective �open-toed� and slam the lid back down on the shame vault.


• Ohhhh�

Star of the day. . .Xavier Cugat