Ever since the story broke on my brilliant new recipe for lemon-flavored ice water, I�ve been feeling a lot more sympathy for the stars of today. The constant attention and scrutiny is overwhelming, even without a cocaine stash in the pocket of my pants. Which aren�t my pants. I borrowed these pants from my friend. She�s a really good friend�the kind who doesn�t mind if you borrow her pants and then throw her under the bus when the cops find cocaine in the pocket. The important thing to remember here is: these are not my pants.

And� where was I going with that? The last few days have been overwhelming. The TV news piece came out about my great invention of lemon ice water, and at the same time, my company ran a full-page article in the newsletter, featuring a highly giant photo of me grinning like a demon next to a pitcher of said water. And some lemons. And a toaster oven, for maximum full-service-kitchen appeal.

Response from my coworkers has been stunning. �So,� they say, catching me in the hallway or the break room, �you say you put water into a pitcher and then you� add lemons�?� Laugh all you want, coworker, in your high-waisted coworker pants, but that is my secret recipe and I�m sticking to it because I care deeply about the environment.

I got a call moments ago from a coworker asking me if he thought the TV news would be interested in his tips on increasing fuel economy. �What I do is, I drive my car to the gas station and fill up the tires. With air.�

�Ha, ha, coworker,� I sniffed.

�Maybe they could film me filling up each tire,� he suggested. �First the front tire, the right one, and then maybe the left. Or the right rear tire. Do you think they�d be interested?�

I feigned snoring and a mild bout of Tourette�s and transferred his call to Accounting. Laugh at me and my lemon water, will you? Let�s see you get out of THAT phone tree!

Another coworker, who is notable in that she recently did give me a pair of pants, although without pockets, so they�re drug-free, stopped me in the lobby yesterday. �I saw your article!� she called, adding, �it really made me wonder: Where am I supposed to get these lemons? Is the company now going to pay for lemons? Are they going to pay me to go to the Farmer�s Market? For lemons?� I don�t know. Maybe I should plant a lemon tree on my balcony. From seed.

Alternately, I can call upon this wondrous creature: Oscar the Death Kat! His uncanny sense of when people are about to die has made the news. He is like the Jessica Fletcher of kats: everywhere he shows up, someone kicks it. I could just get a kat that looks like Oscar and parade him around the office, hovering near people who are irritating me.

And� since there�s nothing like a good �Murder, She Wrote� reference to cement my cultural savvy, I�ll sign off on that note.

Star of the day. . .Farrokh Bulsara