Various fears fueling my anxiety about performing in public

  1. People will see me and think I am hideous. Like a monster.

  2. People will think I am laughably untalented, and laugh. (At me.)

  3. I will hear the phrase "You suck, ya monster!" shouted at me from the audience, yet not be able to identify the perpetrator. This will bother me for years, and cause me to lose sleep and develop a disfiguring walking pattern.

  4. An audience member will, in my earshot, compare me unfavorably to a once popular yet now pass� Broadway actress.

  5. I will, on my way to the stage, trip over a stray speaker wire and land on the floor in a position that makes my butt look monstrous and deformed and/or untalented.

  6. In between songs, I will notice two audience members signalling to each other that my breasts appear lopsided.

  7. The audience will find my lyrics sophomoric and obvious, and filled with references to themes made popular by Ted Nugent.

  8. I will forget all the lyrics and be forced to sing "La la la" to every song, or worse, be struck dumb and stare blankly into a spotlight until my corneas crack. There will be no doctor present to attend to me.

  9. A lithe young blonde in a one-shouldered Lycra top will upstage me by dancing suggestively in front of the band while facing the audience. All ensuing applause will clearly be directed at her. My band will fire me and hire her instead, despite her inability to carry a tune.

  10. There will be no audience.

  11. The audience will consist of my boss; the loser who stalked me for two years in San Francisco; and my mother, who visibly disapproves of the unscriptural references to Christ in my lyrics.

  12. The PA will distort my voice so that I sound like Connie Chung.

  13. The PA will not distort my voice, yet I will sound like Connie Chung.

  14. Everyone will hate me, and want me to know it.



Star of the day. . .Maury Povich
posted @ 3:43 p.m. on August 22, 2006 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......