Part one of an ongoing series in which I comment on books given me by my friend Bob, who’s consolidating his book business. It’ll be like I’m giving a book report, like everyone always enjoyed, back there in grade school. The first book on which I will report is:

Questions Women Ask
by Renatus Hartogs, MD, PhD.

I appreciate any book that opens with a preface entitled Note to the New Feminists and goes on to allay the perceived fears of said audience about the ability of a male psychiatrist to help or understand women. I don’t technically fall into the New Feminist category, but anything that fosters inter-gender relations is A-ok by me.

My dismay began upon seeing the soft-focus sepia-toned close-up of a woman gazing off-camera through a set of dramatic false eyelashes, and deepened upon opening to the first chapter (“Personal Problems”). The first question posed to Dr. Dr. Hartogs is: I’m worried about getting old. Perhaps I am being overly critical, but it seems to me that in a book titled Questions Women Ask, the first question should not be phrased as a statement. That kind of mis-categorization tends to undermine the reader’s faith in anything that follows. Other examples of this follow in subsequent “questions” like:

1. My looks are a mess, and it’s ruining my life;


2. I get these terrible anxiety attacks;


3. My man wants us to have orgies;


4. I’m compulsively promiscuous;


5. I keep wanting to touch people; and


6. I’ve taken an imaginary lover.

Apart from items 1 and 2 on that list, I don’t see any matters that would require psychiatric advice, but Dr. Dr. Hartogs provides it anyway, in varying degrees of tact. Take the woman whose looks are a mess (“I have tiny breasts, overlarge thighs, and the stringiest hair”) and whose husband has been cheating on her with numerous women. “Granted,” Hartogs writes, “you’re probably no Raquel Welch,” and goes on to suggest “modern cosmetology, reconstructive surgery… and body-building.” To inspire her, he tells the story of a beautiful woman whose husband’s relentless philandering nearly ruined her self-esteem. This woman went on to diet, lose 35 pounds, and take up with two different lovers simultaneously. “Her marriage was still a failing one,” Hartogs notes, “but at least her own prospects were greatly improved.” It’s all in how you look at it.

I preferred reading the “I’ve taken an imaginary lover” chapter. The subject, a 32-year-old secretary, explains that since her divorce, she’s “taken a ‘fantasy lover,’” apparently a celebrity. She dreams about him at night, and thinks about him constantly. She doesn’t state whether or not this fantasy lover is John Krasinsky or Johnny Depp, or whoever, but I really don’t see the problem here. She sounds totally normal, and her behavior seems unproblematic, just exactly like many other people I know, although certainly not me, personally.

This book contains many questions, and many statements. After reading several of each, I became bored with Dr. Dr. Hartogs’ answers, and so have devised my own, which I will now share with you. (You’re welcome.)

Q: Why am I so jealous of my sister?
A: Is that your sister? She is hott!

Q: Why can’t I be closer to my father?
A: He’s not your real father. I thought you should know.

Q: Why do I always turn men off?
A: Frankly, you’re a bit of a cunt.

Q: I hate my husband but can’t get along without him.
A: How much insurance do you have on him?

Q: Am I a latent lesbian?
A: Probably. I have some “tests” we can run, to see for sure.

Q: Why can’t I have an orgasm?
A: Look, I did the best I could.

Q: I’m never in the mood for love when my man is.
A: That’s why he spent your kid’s college fund on hookers.

Q: I only like younger men.
A: Word.

I did find one piece of advice helpful, again from the "Personal Problems" chapter. The question is: What can I do about "writer's block?". Surprisingly, Dr. Dr. Hartogs does not recommend ferreting out an obscure book of psychological advice from the '70s and ragging on it, but advises, "Do something!" In a sense, I have followed his advice, which counts as a learning experience, which I have demonstrated, so I deserve at least a B on this report.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this installment of Notes from Bob’s Library. Tune in next time, when I report on Horizontal Secretary by Amy Harris.

Star of the day. . .Andre Williams