Part one of an ongoing series in which I comment on books given me by my friend Bob, who�s consolidating his book business. It�ll be like I�m giving a book report, like everyone always enjoyed, back there in grade school. The first book on which I will report is:

Questions Women Ask
by Renatus Hartogs, MD, PhD.

I appreciate any book that opens with a preface entitled Note to the New Feminists and goes on to allay the perceived fears of said audience about the ability of a male psychiatrist to help or understand women. I don�t technically fall into the New Feminist category, but anything that fosters inter-gender relations is A-ok by me.

My dismay began upon seeing the soft-focus sepia-toned close-up of a woman gazing off-camera through a set of dramatic false eyelashes, and deepened upon opening to the first chapter (�Personal Problems�). The first question posed to Dr. Dr. Hartogs is: I�m worried about getting old. Perhaps I am being overly critical, but it seems to me that in a book titled Questions Women Ask, the first question should not be phrased as a statement. That kind of mis-categorization tends to undermine the reader�s faith in anything that follows. Other examples of this follow in subsequent �questions� like:

1. My looks are a mess, and it�s ruining my life;


2. I get these terrible anxiety attacks;


3. My man wants us to have orgies;


4. I�m compulsively promiscuous;


5. I keep wanting to touch people; and


6. I�ve taken an imaginary lover.

Apart from items 1 and 2 on that list, I don�t see any matters that would require psychiatric advice, but Dr. Dr. Hartogs provides it anyway, in varying degrees of tact. Take the woman whose looks are a mess (�I have tiny breasts, overlarge thighs, and the stringiest hair�) and whose husband has been cheating on her with numerous women. �Granted,� Hartogs writes, �you�re probably no Raquel Welch,� and goes on to suggest �modern cosmetology, reconstructive surgery� and body-building.� To inspire her, he tells the story of a beautiful woman whose husband�s relentless philandering nearly ruined her self-esteem. This woman went on to diet, lose 35 pounds, and take up with two different lovers simultaneously. �Her marriage was still a failing one,� Hartogs notes, �but at least her own prospects were greatly improved.� It�s all in how you look at it.

I preferred reading the �I�ve taken an imaginary lover� chapter. The subject, a 32-year-old secretary, explains that since her divorce, she�s �taken a �fantasy lover,�� apparently a celebrity. She dreams about him at night, and thinks about him constantly. She doesn�t state whether or not this fantasy lover is John Krasinsky or Johnny Depp, or whoever, but I really don�t see the problem here. She sounds totally normal, and her behavior seems unproblematic, just exactly like many other people I know, although certainly not me, personally.

This book contains many questions, and many statements. After reading several of each, I became bored with Dr. Dr. Hartogs� answers, and so have devised my own, which I will now share with you. (You�re welcome.)

Q: Why am I so jealous of my sister?
A: Is that your sister? She is hott!

Q: Why can�t I be closer to my father?
A: He�s not your real father. I thought you should know.

Q: Why do I always turn men off?
A: Frankly, you�re a bit of a cunt.

Q: I hate my husband but can�t get along without him.
A: How much insurance do you have on him?

Q: Am I a latent lesbian?
A: Probably. I have some �tests� we can run, to see for sure.

Q: Why can�t I have an orgasm?
A: Look, I did the best I could.

Q: I�m never in the mood for love when my man is.
A: That�s why he spent your kid�s college fund on hookers.

Q: I only like younger men.
A: Word.

I did find one piece of advice helpful, again from the "Personal Problems" chapter. The question is: What can I do about "writer's block?". Surprisingly, Dr. Dr. Hartogs does not recommend ferreting out an obscure book of psychological advice from the '70s and ragging on it, but advises, "Do something!" In a sense, I have followed his advice, which counts as a learning experience, which I have demonstrated, so I deserve at least a B on this report.

I hope you�ve enjoyed this installment of Notes from Bob�s Library. Tune in next time, when I report on Horizontal Secretary by Amy Harris.

Star of the day. . .Andre Williams