Note to my dear friends: When I refer to "everyone" in the following text, I specifically DO NOT MEAN YOU. Thank you for your attention.

Love, Violet

Now, on to the rant!
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I woke up this morning smothered under too many blankets, slightly hungover, disoriented and unsure where I was. (Note: I was at home, alone.) Since that moment, everything went downhill. I think it went downhill. I'm never sure when someone says "It's all downhill from here!" if that is positive or negative.

Here are a few things I wish everyone* would remember, and which I cannot say out loud to the offending parties, because it would cause more trouble than it would relief on my part, and then we'd have to sit down and "talk about feelings" or whatever, which I cannot abide at this particular moment:

1. If you* have recently inherited many tens of thousands of dollars and a valuable piece of property in a desirable location, please do not call me late at night and smother me in a wet blanket of maudlin-ness about how you're just not making ends meet. I have not inherited anything, and the way I handle it is: I get a job that pays my bills. I know it's a startling idea, but you might just find that it works. In addition, do not tell me, in a whispery tone just shy of horror, that were it not for the inherited cash and the valuable property, you'd "be on the street." See... you're NOT on the street, and you HAVE money, and I have no appetite for that particular drama pie.
2. If you* are delivering news to me that someone I know and respect has recently died, when I express surprise and sadness, do NOT tell me "It was a blessing" and speculate about what type of activity said deceased is now enjoying "up there," because A) it is not a blessing, and 2) You are deranged in the extreme and shallow as an oil slick, albeit less colorful.
3. If you* send me a piece of Hinternet glurge that implies that all members of a group to which I belong are physically hideous, and I write back a slightly edgy response, do NOT tell me to "Relax," and assert that "it's just a joke." Jokes, as I understand it, are required to be funny in order to be effective. Telling someone to "relax" when you've insulted them is just obnoxious. Have we learned nothing from the cautionary example that is Don Rickles?
4. If you* are a blood relative of mine, belonging to my parents' generation, do NOT call me late at night to tell me about "Karleen," or whoever, the gal half your age who works in Accounts Payable but moonlights as an exotic dancer. Do not tell me how "cute" she is, do not tell me why you know about her night job. I can tell you from here that she is not going to go out with you, and additionally, getting a lap dance from anyone who works as an accountant is just wrong.
5. If you* accompany me to a restaurant and talk the entire time I'm looking at the menu, please do not, when the waiter looks to you for your order, giggle and pause dramatically, and claim that you haven't had time to read it. Furthermore, please do not pause dramatically again before giving your order and say coyly, "I'm going to be REALLY NAUGHTY..." because you plan to order two appetizers. There is no moral value attached to the appetizers, and I hate to tell you, but the waiter is not going to scold you for your choice of the artichoke AND the shrimp rolls. Wishing to be scolded for faux-"naughtiness" is a deeply irritating form of attention-hogging, and no one finds it endearing. "I'm so bad!" Ahhnnn... shut up. Also, the prissy word "naughty" grates on my nerves like an emery board.
6. If you* have decided that Diet Coke isn't good enough and you want to add another jewel to the calorie-free Coca-Cola product line, please do not invent "Coca-Cola zero TM" because I might accidentally buy it, and its Tab-tasting flat grossness might make me want to cry, if I had already been pushed close enough to the edge by items 1 through 5 on this list.
7. If you* are me, and you find suddenly that you have no capacity left for the demands of others, and that you are in danger of disliking everyone and screaming out loud for a really long time, take a vacation before the bitterness takes over completely and you have no friends left.

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* NOT YOU

Thanks to all of the Not-Yous who are keeping me sane.

Star of the day. . .Miss Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford