As with all suggestions that imply that I have psychic power, I feel obligated to investigate this one. Following is a log of my experiments. Feel free to take notes. I ask only that you hold your applause until the end.

My Psychic Experiments
by Violet V. White

1. Experiment No. 1 -- Target: Joanie, the Annoying Coworker
   Wednesday, 3:14 p.m. My first experiment will focus on Joanie, the Annoying Coworker, long a scourge of the workplace with her nasal laugh, odorous lunches, and devotion to Diet Mountain Dew. Taking a deep breath, I hypnotize myself by staring into the transparent skull of the glass figurine of a greyhound, kept on my desk for just such a purpose. I breathe deeper and more slowly, focusing all my energy on the 20-ounce plastic bottle of soda on the corner of Joanie's desk. I envision it exploding into a fountain of bubbles, yet causing no injuries that could be traced to me. I channel my anxiety over an unpaid MasterCard bill to fuel the power.

   Results: Inconclusive. Joanie did spill the Mountain Dew, but only because she caught one pointy-toed shoe in the carpet and tripped, hitting the corner of her desk with a well-padded hip. Note to self: Not the results I had anticipated, but there will be significant bruising. I am pleased.

2. Experiment No. 2 -- Target: Guy Putting Up a Sign Across the Street
   Thursday, 2:20 p.m. At a distance of thirty yards, Sign Guy is an excellent person on whom I can practice my Powers. I sharpen a pencil and, arms extended toward him, write the words U R GAE! in bold strokes in the air. I will these words to appear on his sign, through the Power of My Mind.

   Results: Promising. As I finished the exclamation point, a brisk breeze kicked up, causing the paper sign to flap in a manner I would describe as "gaily." That counts as a result. While no letters appeared, I plan to score this in the "Positive" column of the Excel spreadsheet I will soon create.

3. Experiment No. 3 -- Target: Houseplant on Patio
   Friday, 12:50 p.m. That houseplant has been irritating me for some time. It formerly stood outside my boss's window, on our shared patio, but now he's gone and so it moved over to my side. (Possibly through the Power of His Mind--I cannot be certain.) Weeks of neglect have caused the edges of the plant to brown. I believe that with concentration, I can will the entire plant to explode into flames. First, I rub my hands with Williams-Sonoma brand hand lotion ("Winter Forest" scent, for maximum connection with the plant world). Waving my hands in an artistic representation of flames, I will the plant to combust. "Combust, plant, COMBUST!" I cry, waving and waving. I add a high kick, and a dash of worry over the proper inflation level of the tires on my car, to concentrate my Powers.

   Results: Success! Yes, the plant has burst into flames! It is flaming now, as I type this. Oh, yes. You should see these flames. Bright, red and yellow flames. Also orange. Oh, yeah. Tons of flames. Obviously, this experiment has worked, and I am telekinetic.

I am pleased with the results of my experiments, and hope that this has served as an example of what is possible, with the Power of the Mind.

And... be careful about rolling your eyes or giving me the finger behind my back, because it also turns out that I can read your thoughts. (You know, in the interest of full disclosure.)

OK, now you can applaud.