I was looking at the Etiquette Grrls site, and seeing no useful etiquette advice for the situation at hand, or any situation I could imagine, actually, I migrated over to their "Halloween Costume Ideas" area. They claim that they were "Absolutely Deluged avec Requests" for appropriate Halloween wear (although how that fits into the category of Etiquette, I'm not sure). Their recommendations are titled "Some Smashing Halloween Costumes," so judge for yourself, and then I'll tell you what I think about their "approved ideas," OK?

1. A Burberry Overdose. (i.e., wear as much as you can in that Burberry plaid). This does not seem like a good costume, unless you are someone for whom wearing Burberry is extremely out-of-character, like you are a Roto Rooter guy, or a priest. If you're a fashiony kind of gal, like the Etiquette Grrls seem to be, your friends probably won't think it's so out of character, and might not notice you're in costume. Judgment: Not amusing.


2. A Famous Literary Character. Wow. The Grrls are really going out on a limb on this one. They list Hester Prynne, but I think you get very many negative bonus points for going as any literary character who has been played by Demi Moore in a movie. Judgment: Potentially amusing, but only if your choice of literary character is noteworthy in some regard outside of a penchant for run-of-the-mill adultery.


3. Early 1980s Prep. Only if you live in Connecticut, in which case, you won't have to change your outfit. Judgment: Acutely dull.
4. Something from Tiffany's. (Dress in light blue, with a white ribbon.) No, too precious, and besides, boxes from Tiffany's always reminds me of a hideous story I'll relate to you now. My dearest friend Shandy once worked at a Boston investment firm with a deranged yet normal-looking woman who bragged about having taken a crap in a Tiffany's box, which she then wrapped and sent to an executive she disliked. Since learning that, I've been wary of boxes from Tiffany's. Happily, I have almost no occasion ever to open one! But back to the costumes. The Tiffany's Box idea sounds like something one of the Designing Women would wear for Halloween. Judgment: A bit rich.


5. The Etiquette Grrls. They describe the costume as a vintage shift dress, a strand of pearls, and pointy slingback heels, and advise that the wearer smack rude people with a copy of the Grrls' book on etiquette. I am going to veto this idea, on the basis that it is commercial and annoying, and people are likely to think you're supposed to be Jacqueline Kennedy off her meds. Judgment: Not amusing, possibly actionable (with the smacking, and all).

I think for Halloween everyone should dress as a member of a profession starting with the same letter as their name. I could dress as a vampire, or a virgin, or a veterinarian. Or a combination of any of those. I could go as a vegan, and wear Tevas and a floppy hat and say "maaaaaaan" a lot, and talk about how harvesting honey disheartens bees, and try to steal other girls' boyfriends! (Sorry. Flashback to a specific headcase I unfortunately encountered in Tucson.)

At any rate, you still have almost a week to think about it, and if all else fails, you can stay home and get drunk by yourself, because you're too mature for all that costume shit, man.

Star of the day. . .Bram Stoker