Because my boyfriend is a fucking idiot, today I'm going to concentrate on something else, namely: the beauty of the Amazon gift certificate I just got from my friend Carson, who is also my ex-husband.

Very generous gift certificate.

I tend to shop when I am under stress, which explains a lot of the unfortunate shoes in my closet--I'm fully willing to admit that it's a disorder, a mental disorder of some kind in reaction to stress, along with my propensity to smoke, and send text messages expressing the sole sentiment, "Fuck you." I do not manage stress well, and until I find a way to do so, my closet will be filled with high-heeled implausible shoes, my cosmetics bags packed with dozens of bottles of nail polish in similar hues, and tubes of ointments promising to lift, tighten, or erase various aspects of my epidermis (for example: the under-eye circles caused by stress or smoking).

I believe that when given a gift of money, one should buy something memorable with it, to commemorate the occasion rather than pay off the phone company in the gift-giver's name. For example, when I was 15, I spent the birthday money my grandparents sent on a set of solid brass buttons engraved with my initials scrolled together in script. They were perfect for the krodly preppy navy blazer I wore that year and then abandoned when I realized I did not, in fact, attend private school. So, with that in mind, I spent several productive hours yesterday trolling Amazon's web site for ideas.

There are several hard-cover editions of art books I have my eye on, but boat living means an unstable environment for books, especially in the rainy season. Shoes, being unmemorable, are out of the question. Jewelry, I thought, was durable enough to pass the test, so I scouted around and found some suitable options like this one: (See illustration.)

ILLUSTRATION

"Football Sports Person" is the name of this pendant, notable for its ability to express the wearer's love of sports regardless of sex. "Hey!" it seems to cry from its toothless mouth, "While unable to give a true 'thumbs-up' owing to a lack of opposable digits, I can still pump my stub in the air and clutch this disproportionate rudimentary football! Gooooooooo Green Bay!"

My lack of fervent enthusiasm for any particular sport led me to move on, thematically, to a subject I prefer, namely: Our beloved ocean friends. Witness:

WITNESS

"What is that?" you ask, and I answer: Only the most elegant creature known to the depths: Behold the gentle manatee! This pendant, rendered in 14 karat gold, captures the creature's mystical grace, and doubles as a handy opener for bottles of beer. Behold the gentle manatee!

Not wanting to limit myself, and feeling suddenly affectionate about this great country that allows me the freedom to browse at will for 14k gold jewelry online using money provided remotely by someone else, I considered a sentimental object in the form of pendants shaped like, variously, Utah, South Dakota, or Oklahoma. I briefly considered this one:

THIS ONE

It claims to represent Michigan, but it more closely resembles the upper GI tract. And anyway, isn't Michigan the Mitten State? I am positive that I initially learned the location of Detroit via a friend's hand held aloft, and a finger pointing to the approximate geographical area of Motown.

My foray into the world of gold, while engaging, was not fruitful, and so I moved on to the next most appealing sector: Things emblazoned with my name (Violet). This proved more difficult, although I did find this sign:

SIGN

I can't claim to 100% understand it, but being ware of the violet wand seems prudent in any situation I can envision. I want to say that the sign was attached to a hat, possibly a trucker hat, but I can't recall.

I also found a violet-colored fox fur shrug, which would be perfect if it didn't mean the killing of our little animal friends, you heartless nitwits! (Not you. Not you.) Also, it cost $600.

Finally, I came upon this:

THIS

The customized iced out chrome western belt buckle! "Customized"! With six spaces! So, V I O L E and T. Yes, it is clearly perfect. Well, either that or the XXX Extreme Hardcore Pewter Belt Buckle, which is intriguing in its dissonance. I generally associate pewter with hardworking, humorless New Englanders like Sam Adams, toiling at his candle-lit workbench, and notably not engaged in any kind of public sexual activity. Platinum is the metal I would associate with extreme hardcore XXX action, or maybe white-gold plate. At any rate, it is not possible to customize the XXX belt with my name, so it is out of the question.

And I'm sorry: what was the question?

Star of the day. . .Nathaniel Brewster