This morning, while driving through Ojai to avoid a wreck clogging the highway, I decided to irritate myself by tuning in to a local radio station that's always a drag. It was less a conscious choice than it would appear; it was the only station that would come in clearly, up in the hills.

The morning show on this particular station features three people of apparent varying degrees of banality, whose job it is to make small talk and argue over, say, the correct price of an Egg McMuffin; play crappy classic rock songs; and read advertisements for local restaurants. Every time I listen to them, my IQ goes down half a point, so if you are tired of my incoherence, trawl around in my archives from 2004, when I was smarter.

Today, I tuned in as they were trying to create what they called the worst mix tape ever, an idea that interested me. Really, you could just tape an hour or two of the morning show and wind up with a terrible mix, sure to include "Almost Cut My Hair" by Crosby, Stills & Nash--the only song I can think of devoted to the explanation of something the lyricist thought about doing and then decided against, owing to a phantom sense of obligation to an unknown entity. Rock and ROLL!

The songs the three radio hosts were choosing for their mix tape were bad, but uninspired. "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" by Air Supply, for one. Bad, yes, but forgettable. If we imagine that the worst songs of all time collectively make up a giant, terrible artichoke, then "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" is a minor vestigial leaf withering away on the stem, easily ignored. The Worst Mix of All Time must draw songs from the heart of this great artichoke, which I think we can all agree is the most genius analogy of the modern age. Why am I not universally recognized as the next Alvin Toffler, instead of sitting here, surreptitiously eating Cheetos from a bag under my desk, hoping Jesus will appear and give me a winning Super Lotto ticket?

I am working on my own theoretical worst mix of all time--theoretical because there is no point in realizing it, as I don't own any of the songs, and don't wish to spend my hard-earned 99 cents to purchase them from iTunes, only to create something no one wants to hear.

But, fond of rhetoric and pointless exercise, I'm creating a song list anyway. I use the word "creating" because I am a highly creative and spiritual person, and expressing myself through seemingly meaningless activities is just one way I "keep it real." It is not easy, and I am certain that the Keelhauler will have valuable and voluminous input on this important subject.

There are many terrible songs, but for the mix to be truly bad, they all must work in tandem to create soul-crushing discord.

I'll post it tomorrow.

In the meantime, ponder the words of the great Bob Seger, who said, "Beautiful loser, never take it all, 'Cause it's easier and faster when you fall."

Amen, amen.

Star of the day. . .Dennis deYoung