“I just don’t understand. Why would she agree to do something for me at a time when she wasn't going to be here?”

That is the question at hand, where the “she” = me, Violet, and the “time” = yesterday, when I was not at work. The speaker was coworker Michaela, who complained loudly in my absence, about my absence, to my boss, who repeated the exchange to me today, in Michaela’s absence. Welcome to Triangulation Acres, home of the rhetorical question.

It’s kind of funny, because only a few days ago, I was talking to a friend about how irritating I find it when instead of reasoning through a situation that’s causing anger, someone claims to be unable to understand it. It’s a tricky conversational pitfall, this conspicuous bafflement. It’s a careful mélange of self-righteousness and intent to garner support for the speaker rather than any understanding of the situation. In that way, it’s both histrionic and passive-aggressive, and while I respect the mass, bulk, and scale of the personality disorders, I’m bothered by the intellectual laziness of the feigned inability to understand.

The way I look at it, there are many possible interpretations for my having agreed to help her at a time I was unable to do so. Let’s have a quick review:

1. I did not want to help her.


2. I wanted to increase my reputation for incompetence.


3. Drunk.


4. Unfamiliar with the intricacies of Microsoft Outlook.


5. I was hoping to slowly drive Michaela insane with rage.


6. Irremediable stupidity.


7. Faith in possibility of time travel misplaced.


8. I made a mistake.

There. Without even half trying, I’ve come up with eight possible reasons that could explain the situation. Faced with only this short list, it would seem that even the dimmest of bulbs might comprehend the situation to within a reasonable degree of certainty. It’s easy to rule out a few right off the top (drunk, stupid), so a person possessing average powers of reasoning might narrow the possibilities down to just two:

1. I didn’t want to help her; or


2. I made a mistake.

Add to that the conversation I had with Michaela the previous afternoon, in which I reminded her that I would be out the following day, at which time she did not remind me that I’d agreed to help her, and it’s a clear bet that we've ordered up a big mess of:

1. I made a mistake,

With a side of “and she didn’t catch it, either.”

Which is what I wrote in the e-mail I sent Michaela today, after my boss ratted out her back-stabbing ways in a neat turn of the knife. Well, except the “and she didn’t catch it either” part, which I omitted in the hopes that she will realize it on her own time. This is just one more way in which I am able to use psychology to better the world around me. (You’re welcome.)

So. Let this serve as notice: I am going to be away Monday and Tuesday. If I have agreed to help you, to meet with you, to review your proposal, to befriend or endanger you, threaten or intimidate you, on either Monday or Tuesday, please be advised that I will be unable to do so. Repeat: I will not be able to help you on Monday. I will not be able to help you on Tuesday. If hearing this causes you any distress, do what I do: drink heavily and start your own blog, wherein you can publicly flaunt your alleged inability to comprehend my behavior, and gain support in the form of helpful comments from strangers. Here are some suggestions of titles:

• Things That Make Me Go, Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?


• [Your Name]’s Musyngs on Unknowne Mysteryes


• It’s An Outrage! (And I Don’t Get It!!!!)


• Liars I Have Known

All I ask is that you give me a colorful pseudonym.

See you next Wednesday.

Star of the day. . .Goodnight Loving