I am very glad that my great, free daily horoscope advises, "Don't spend too much time making the darker feelings appear lighter," because it's not even noon, and I'm already irritated with about 70% of the people around me. Keeping my tone even has been a stretch, but I feel like things are looking up, because the horoscope continues, "You can be real and others will still like you." That's a good thing, because I don't know how far the fake-niceness is really going to get me today.

I�m trying to trace the source of my annoyance. I think it started this morning when a coworker, standing 25 feet away, greeted my entrance with a loud squeal and froze, pointing at me. That didn�t so much annoy as startle me. She just wanted to tell me that she almost bought the same sweater as the one I have on, but didn�t. (And also that now, the sweater I paid full price for is on sale.) So, while some might find her reaction a bit over the top, considering that nothing actually happened, it�s totally consistent with her personality, and didn�t faze me much.

Anyway, the effect that the sweater conversation had on my mood was marginal, but it led to this unfortunate exchange:

Girl A (to me): Girl, you look like you�re losing some weight!
Me: (Inexplicably frostily) �Oh, I don�t pay attention to things like that. [A total lie, incidentally.]
Girl A: No, it really looks like you�ve lost some weight!
Me: Huh�
Girl A: Well, maybe it�s just the shirt�
Girl B: (Decisively, and with a little laugh) It�s just the shirt.
Me: (Fake-nonchalantly) Well, there you have it! [Leaving.]

So, not only was I a complete witch about the comment that Girl A intended as a compliment, I then had to suck up the diss of Girl B!

Here�s the thing: I know that A was trying to be nice, but I am always repulsed when anyone comments on my appearance, especially as regards my perceived weight. My sensitivity to the subject stems from the apparent weight requirement in my family, which is never specified as a number, but which boils down to, �As little as you can possibly weigh without keeling over from anorexia.� I have grown up feeling like I�ve never been thin enough, a perception that many people happily and relentlessly reinforce through the following methods:

1. Comments, including asking me outright what size I wear, and then repeating my answer in disbelief, or saying skeptically, �Still�?!� if I mention a size that�s smaller than they think I deserve;


2. Written references, including a list I came across by accident, written by my grandmother, titled �PLUMPNESS� and headed by my name;


3. Presents of clothes when I am thinner, books when I am heavier.


4. Dramatic sighs of relief when I lose weight, combined with reassurances of how much �better� I look.

Because, as we all know, weight is THE primary matter of importance in a person�s life, counting more than character, integrity, or personality. Plus, for the amount of importance I�m placing on it, you might get the impression that my weight roller-coasts wildly from 70 to 700 pounds, or that I am undergoing this constant valiant struggle against genes and metabolism to finally get to the point where I no longer have to wash myself with a rag on a stick. This is NOT the case. I am just blessed with a hypersensitivity to the subject. And also, you know: Where is the love? The whole �You�re beautiful to us!� outpouring of support I have fooled myself into thinking I can expect from those nearest to me?

We had a receptionist here for a while who was so manically obsessed with her own weight that she would exercise at her desk during work, hands on her hips, spinning and stretching. Her fascination with weight extended to everyone around her, and every week or so she would comment on mine, a habit I found unendurable. Apparently all that spinning around worked, though, because she never seemed to weigh more than about 85 pounds. Well, the spinning and the Xanax she popped like M&Ms.

So, the upshot is that yes, I am completely warped and defensive about the issue of how much I weigh, and tend to turn icy if anyone even mentions it. I recognize that �you�ve lost weight� is meant as a compliment, but it�s so easy to hear it as, �You seem like slightly less of a cow these days!� The only exception to this totally idiosyncratic rule is when someone says to me, �You look great!� or something along those lines, something that doesn�t reference my former life as Jabba the Hutt.

Screw it. It�s lunchtime. I�m going to get a cheeseburger.

Star of the day. . .Norton Juster