Kneel before my Viking ancestors! Do it! Aw, come on, just do it, all right?

I'm all hepped up about the Danes owing to a conversation I had with my friend Annike, recently returned from Denmark, land of our common heritage, land about which I know almost nothing.

Although my grandmother was Danish, for some reason--possibly my non-Danish grandfather's wacky, irrepressible tyrrany--the Danish side of our family never got much play. And what better time than two years after her death to begin asking questions about that branch of the family? I am all about practicality--like all us Danes.

I will just take this opportunity to mention a humiliating fact, which is that on St. Patrick's Day when I was in second grade, and all the kids were making paper badges reading "Kiss Me, I'm Irish," I went out on a creative limb with my own badge, which read, "Eat Me, I'm Danish." I have to think that the smile I got from my teacher was of the "I can't wait to tell my friends about this" variety, and indeed, I wore the badge the rest of the day.

Anyway. In conversation with my friend Annike, I mentioned the Big Sailboat Race that's coming up tomorrow. "You'll have to call on your Viking ancestors!" she suggested with enthusiasm, and since she is very Danish and has a degree from Harvard Divinity School, I choose to take her advice. Unfortunately, I do not know any Viking ancestors by name, and I don't want to do a general roll call, in case I end up with like a horde of hoodlums led by Erik the Pantsless, or whatever, but I turned to the Hinternet for guidance. It's the "Oh, Mighty Isis!" of the new millenium. Or the "Shazam!" maybe. Anyway.

Here are some excellent facts I learned about Denmark--Land of My Heritage--that you might enjoy to absorb in the spirit of solidarity:

• There is an excellent song called "Three Danish Vikings" which includes the line, "Three Danish vikings went to hell to fuck the devil and his wife as well." That is the kind of guy you want on your side during a race! A bisexual, devil-fucking Viking! Picture the hat!


• The comments section for the page featuring the lyrics to that song included this comment: Det kan lade sig g�re at synge den p� melodien til "Johnny I Hardly Knew Ye", i hvert fald. Exaaaaaaaaaaaaactly.


• There was a Viking named Ivarr the Boneless, who apparently still had a spine, as he had East Anglian King Edmund ritually sacrificed in 869. (That's a year.)


• Viking leader Ragnar Lodgrok's name means "Hairy Breeches," which indicates to me that the Danes had not yet discovered waxing.


• Danish Vikings settled Dublin, Ireland, which if we extrapolate, means that you all can thank me personally for the invention of Guinness.


• Among other accomplishments, Danish Vikings invented smoked salt, a substance which today makes space travel possible.


• Starting next year, Danish newborns will no longer be required to share a last name with either of their parents, following the adoption of a new law that allows a return to the Viking tradition of patronymics. In other words, if my father's name was Derek, I could be Violet Dereksdatter, and my brother could be Ethan Derekson. That would be great if your dad's name was, like, Sonny. Or Ozzy. Or Hambone.

So, this has been Danish Viking Appreciation Corner with your host, Violet deWinter, no patronymic.

I haven't decided which Danish Viking ancestor to call on for luck and speed during the Big Race tomorrow, but I'm leaning toward Harald Bluetooth, a great Danish king, because it seems possible that he would be compatible with my cell phone, and maybe he could send me secret Danish Viking text messages.

Wish me luck, you guys--I'll let you know how it went.

P.S.

I think it is important to mention that I had no idea that my "Eat Me" badge had any kind of meaning other than the pastry-related kind. Just in case anyone thought I was exercising my fierce Viking fierceness at age seven, I want to clarify that no, I was just a dumb-ass.

Star of the day. . .Erik the Red