I was out for a stroll with the two little dogs I'm pet-sitting, and noticed something new on our usual route. In the front window of an ordinary-looking pink stucco house was a flattened cardboard box bearing the following message in a loose scrawl:

KEEP YOUR VIBRATOR HEAT AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!

Or maybe it was:

STOP YOUR VIBRATOR HEAT FROM COMING TO MY HOUSE!

I can't recall the exact wording, owing to many years of visiting with Sister Stolichnaya, but the gist of the message was: "That vibrator heat you have been sending? STOP IT!" I itched to photograph the sign, but instinct told me that whoever had written it was likely watching from behind the sheers for vibrator-owning heat-senders, so after a pause on the sidewalk and a falsely nonchalant second glance, I feigned interest in the dogs' progress along the sidewalk and kept going.

The lettering looked to have been done in black pencil, or charcoal, with the frantic scribble popular with art directors of films involving evil spirits who communicate via writing with the living. What happens in the afterlife, that all written communication from thataway is sprawled and blotched and eerie? Just once, I would welcome a film that featured written communication from beyond by someone who took a little pride in his penmanship.

But back to the craziness.

I want to go back and look at the sign again. Or, "re-go-over it," as my old boss Celeste used to say. I would like to re-go-over this flattened cardboard box with its incomprehensible message. I haven't lived in a big city for a while, and while I see plenty of the crazy here, it's not generally the "My neighbor is aiming his death ray at me again!" foil-covered-window variety. I'm out of practice. A couple of years ago, I would have already taken fifteen Polaroids of the sign, and possibly formed a new band based on the concept expressed therein. I'm slipping.

Perhaps I'll stroll by that house again tomorrow, just to get the wording right. (Yeah, right, "perhaps.")

And the rest of you? Keep that vibrator heat to yourselves, do you hear me?! You are on notice!

Update!

I "happened to" drive by the house this morning, and can now report that the sign actually reads:

TAKE THAT VIBRATOR HEAT OFF MY HOUSE

Star of the day. . .Frank Chu