For some reason, I have been put in charge of ordering our company Christmas tree for the lobby. The reason I've been given this task is possibly related to my inversely proportionate interest in the matter, as compared with that of the many people not charged with procuring the tree. I could try to determine the reason that the least-interested person has been given this task, when many others express rabid interest, but that would upset the delicate power balance at my office, as I learned when I questioned the necessity of the inexplicably popular yet stupid annual corporate scavenger hunt (of which I am also now in charge).

This will be the third year I've been in charge of procuring at tree--a task that grows increasingly tedious each year, as vendors familiar with my expectations-versus-budget scenario refuse to return my calls.

"Can't we just get a fake tree?" I asked (again) this year, prompting dissent from people who just moments before were bemoaning the expense of the yearly real-tree purchase.

I think I'm going to take matters into my own hands, and in the interest of budget and space constraints, go a slightly different route. Why the hell not? No one calls our annual display a "Christmas tree," favoring "holiday tree" instead, illogical as that may be, so why not just go for the most absurd expression of holiday cheer imaginable: the upside-down fake fir tree?

It looks like this:

There are many places to get this great new style of tree, including Target, but I understand they're selling out fast. And why wouldn't they? According to the information I've read, this innovative design harkens back to a 12th-century European tradition of suspending a fir tree upside-down at Christmas time. (And really, is there anything more lovely than reviving an obscure tradition from the 1100s to bring style and grace to a cavernous McMansion, which is where you know all of these things will end up?)

The benefits of the tree's unique design include increased ornament visibility, the ability to locate the tree in tight spots ("between two armchairs" was one such description), and the additional space in which to pile presents. Ah, Christmas! I'm already aglow with the spirit of Christ's love, just looking at this elegant, pre-lit upside-down treelike object.

I'm going to propose that we install one of these suckers in the lobby. I'm hoping that no one notices that the odd, triangular shape of the tree kind of resembles a goat, or a demon, maybe. I've prepared a drawing to illustrate my point:

ILLUSTRATION

(True, my artless hand with the mouse has given the tree a slightly leonine appearance, but I worked extra hard on the yellow and green eyes, for added demonic appeal.)

I think the fundamentalists should take this upside-down tree concept and run with it as they have the whole SANTA = SATAN thing. I will gladly help with the visual aids.

Star of the day. . .Fritz Leiber