In which there is much to-do about nothing

It's a beautiful foggy Thursday, and for lunch, I'm having an attitude problem. I have only myself to blame, because the reason I'm so irritable is that I was too stupid to say no when I was asked to volunteer at the stupid art gallery stupid reception on Saturday. (stupid)

Damn, I hate those receptions so much. There are always a lot of 63-year-old women with blunt-cut steel-grey bobs held back by a single barrette, creeping around with their plate of crackers and dangling their artistic clay necklace--excuse me, "wearable art"--in the punchbowl. Then there are the guys, who are 78 years old and corner me by the hors d'oeuvre table to look down my shirt and tell me in bizarre detail about their trip to Wyoming in 1976, when they were a building contractor. And I listen, because I am a sucker. I'm just going to get some iron-on letters and make a t-shirt reading SUCKER and wear it on Saturday. See, that's funny, because I don't even own an iron. Ha... Fuck.

So anyway, as soon as I agreed to work this stupid reception, I got a barrage of calls from other sucker/volunteers trying to trade shifts with me so they won't have to work late and miss their neighbor's great cocktail party or whatever. Them, I shot down, out of sheer spite, because I have no plans on Saturday night. I might even just stay at the reception until it ends, and not work, just hang out, just to be a witch! (Except that I won't, really, but if I can be passive-aggressive and unfairly retaliate against someone who hasn't actually done anything to me, you know I'm all over it.)

Today, I got yet another follow-up confirmation call from the volunteer coordinator, Charisse. Charisse weighs eight pounds, three pounds of which is eyes (including mascara), plus another eight pounds of "wearable art." She carries a tiny dog wherever she goes. Portable art, I guess. The dog's name is Catalina, and sometimes I address Charisse by the dog's name, to amuse myself. Anyway, she's high-strung as a whippet and takes her job extremely seriously. After we re-re-confirmed that I'd be at the gallery, she told me I'd be working with another, first-time, volunteer who is Ukrainian. Charisse didn't elaborate, but I believe her subtext was "so you can expect Svetlana to be borderline retarded." I'm bound to like her, whoever she is.

Just before she signed off, Charisse fake-off-handedly said, "So just make sure that you put your initials next to each item on the to-do list, so you know it's done." I paused for a moment, partly because this "to-do list" issue is new, and partly because I wanted her to know how stupid I think it is. "The what...?" I asked, letting a chill creep into my voice. She registered it immediately and matched it, explaining that there is a to-do list posted in the kitchen, and I'm to initial next to each item so that I know I've done it. The actual reason is, of course, so that SHE knows I've done it, but she was trying to make the task seem like it was to be performed for my own benefit. I was not fooled. I laughed humorlessly and after a pause said, "All right..." in a snotty way. Because this is how I exert my personal power--dissing the volunteer coordinator at a podunk art gallery in the middle of nowhere. I know, it IS cool.

But really, fuck that! The last time I volunteered there, I got a lecture on how we volunteers weren't doing our jobs, and was referred to as "you people." So, fuck that again! I'll initial the list, all right, WITH MY ASS!!! Take THAT, volunteer lady!

GOD! I'm pathetic.

P.S.!

I think I will submit this picture:


to the gallery for their next juried show. I won't bother with a frame--I think it would interfere with the purity of the piece. (Which, in case you can't tell, shows a PIG holding a purse. I'm all about the classics.)

If you enjoy to create your own illustration of a pig, as I did here, I would offer my recommendation of it as a fun activity. Plus, they give you a free personality test along with it, like the Scientologists, but without the celebrity endorsements. Here is the main page.



Star of the day. . .Kathy McGinty
posted @ 12:52 p.m. on June 02, 2005 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......