Open letter to that girl Emily

Dear That Girl Emily:

Girl, I have been reading your blog this morning, and I just wanted to write and say, Good for you! Don�t put up with that cheating, underendowed husband for another day. Girl power!

Thank GOD you started a blog three weeks ago, or you'd have nowhere to post news of the reports you got from that private investigator you hired to spy on your husband. Truly, the internet is a wondrous thing. Without it, you�d just be lying around like a flounder--you know, that fish they serve at Red Lobster (TM), thinking about going to Pilates, or wondering whether your wine club membership was about to expire.

I just can't wait to see what mischief ol' towel-stealing Emily is going to get up to with that no-good (soon-to-be-ex!) husband Steven and back-stabbing best friend Laura. You know, if you're going to go full-out scorned woman, you might consider a Joan Collins-style turban: the only headgear for revenge. I know you�re capable of great things�any woman who�d keep a list of sexual positions on a Palm Pilot, checking them off as she completes each one, possesses the attention to detail necessary to plan and enact an assault on a philandering husband. He�ll never see it coming.

Well... I'm off to the psychiatrist, to talk about my stepsister, who eats too much mayonnaise. I just HATE that. It's like she doesn't recognize any other condiment. Pathetic. I think I'll steal her towel next time she's in the shower. That�ll show her! See? You�re already influencing women�your sisters in spirit�and you have barely begun.

Best of luck with your fourteen-day scorned woman plan! And don't worry if some people think your narrative sounds "contrived" or "fake." Your pain--the pain of the scorned woman who's tried so hard, through Pilates and ...well, Pilates... to be a dutiful wife, whines through. I mean, SHINES through. Peace, my sister.

XOXO

Violet

P.S.
I had a GREAT idea: Why not incorporate some subtle product placements in your blog? You can get money for it, you know, which will be a total burn on that low-life cheating scuzzball slimebag (soon-to-be-ex) husband of yours and your former best friend! Kisses... V



Star of the day. . .Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan
posted @ 8:52 a.m. on July 18, 2006 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......