In which I take the fall

I have been away from my desk most of the day--on secret missions--and was almost disappointed not to find a voicemail from anyone crazy upon my return. I may have hit a new low, job-satisfaction-wise.

The better part of my afternoon was spent in a long meeting led by Ginnie, a coworker with a striking resemblance to Roz Keith, the Senior Administrative Assistant at Consolidated Companies in the movie �Nine to Five.� (See illustration)

Illustration

Lily Tomlin�s character in that movie was named Violet, so I especially enjoy when Ginnie addresses me directly, and I can drift off into a magical fairy land where I work with Dolly Parton and Jane Fonda. One excellent quality Ginnie has is her tendency to repeat herself, so if you miss something she said, perhaps because you have drifted off into a magical fantasy land, you can be sure that you will catch her meaning on the fourth or fifth repetition.

Also present at this meeting was coworker Suzette, who peddles a particular variety of not-sold-in-stores cosmetics from a firm I will call Larry Day. Suzette brought a large bag of makeup to this meeting, and we all had fun playing with the lipsticks there on the Group W bench. I ordered one lipstick with the no-nonsense name of Red.

Probably, it is against company rules to sell Larry Day cosmetics in the office, but I enjoyed the experience, partly because the appearance of a giant eyeshadow palette allowed me to turn my focus away from a boring presentation by our CFO. The other part of the enjoyment came from knowing that since we were in a meeting, Suzette would not be able to corner me and ask me to sign on as a Larry Day representative myself, something she has been known to do. In a moment of weakness several months ago, I allowed myself to attend, at Suzette�s invitation, a meeting of Larry Day salesladies. It may have been Suzette�s first month as a saleslady. We sat together, containers of face cleanser and little brushes on the table in front of us, and listened to a pep talk delivered by a heavily maquillaged woman in an expensive suit, who wore a glamorous and luxuriant chestnut-brown fall pinned to the top of her head. I found it difficult to concentrate on the pep talk, which at any rate was not aimed at me, because of this fall. (A fall, should you wonder, is a hairpiece. This one was shaped like a long, straight pony-tail.) That fall would have matched my own hair almost exactly�something I cannot quite say about the effect on her. I became fixated on the fall as the woman moved, motivationally, around the front of the room, encouraging us to keep up with our phone calls to potential clients. Where could I procure such a wonderful item?

After the motivational speech, which lasted approximately 35 hours, we moved on to the Makeover section of the meeting. As a guest, I was permitted to choose my �look� from a book of styles. I chose one called �The Swinger� that involved nude lipstick and heavy black eyeliner. Suzette observed the picture in the book, selected several shades of eyeshadow and lipliner, and started in. I detected a slight touch of hesitation, but I knew that in the hands of a trained Larry Day cosmetics salesperson, I was destined for a beautiful future.

The team leader with the fall came by periodically to check our progress, making suggestions and enthusiastic comments. After half an hour, Suzette sat back, smiled, and handed me a mirror. Expecting to see a pale-faced vamp with doe eyes, I was nearly unable to hide my shock when my reflection revealed a pumpkin head with tangerine eyeshadow and corpse-colored lips. The Larry Day ladies fluttered around me. �Doesn�t she look amazing?�� they asked one another. �You were pretty when you came in,� they�d say, �but now you�re gorgeous!� Oh, Larry Day. Larry Day, you lying sack of undereye concealer.

I knew they were lying, but I smiled politely and declined, when the team leader sat down to have a private conference with me, to sign on as a saleslady myself.

When I finally escaped, I drove home to wash my face, laughing at myself for not being able to say no to Suzette when she�d invited me. And then, because I like to take something positive away from every experience, I went to a wig shop and bought a long, beautiful chestnut-brown fall. It�s very glamorous. You should get one, too.



Star of the day. . .David J.
posted @ 4:36 p.m. on February 01, 2008 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......