"It was awesome! It's going to be talked about forever!" -- Paris Hilton, on what it was like to film her death scene in "House of Wax."

Somehow, I ended up with free subscriptions to Us Weekly and the Star. I called to cancel them, but not before three issues of each had shown up in my mailbox, damaging my valuable prestige with the mailman.

I flew back from Phoenix this afternoon; not exactly a long flight, but door-to-door a long trip and now I'm tired and grouchy and haven't made up with the Keelhauler from our fight, and am at that point where I think we never will make up. What better time to read about fabulous celebrity life in the Star?

I haven't finished reading the May 16 issue yet, because each page is crammed full of pictures of celebrities I've never heard of, wearing "fully beaded" gowns and pretzel-rod high heels. That is, the heel is as thin as a pretzel rod. And... note to self: stay away from the similes until better-rested. Let me just recap a fascinating news item or two for you, my friends.

• There is a fab picture of Pamela Anderson wearing what look like Uggs with the word "FAKE" stenciled in dark blue on each one, to alert onlookers that her boots are not real suede. The piece includes a quote from Pam, stating that people who wear fur "look fat and gross." Unlike people with fake, freakishly large boobs. (Which, in the interest of celebrity self-righteousness, should also bear a label, PAM.)


• Speaking of which, Selma Blair, pictured on page 2 wearing a vintage Chanel gown, appears to have removed her boobs, possibly to donate them to a worthy cause. The girl is flat as a fried egg. Who knew? (The STAR, that's who!)


• Angie and Brad were so loud while having sex in their hotel in Morocco that armed guards rushed in to watch! I mean, save them. Save them. Once it was determined that the screaming was unrelated to a murder, an unnamed "local" was reportedly heard to say, "the guards thought maybe Mr. Pitt was taking magic juju herbs to give him the strength of a lion!" Right! I think we can all agree that that quote has the crystalline ring of unvarnished truth to it.

In general, this issue of Star has given me some additions to my List of Celebrities I Fear, members of which I select based on the likelihood that they will peel off their masks to reveal undulating alien snake beings:

1. Selma Blair--the picture of her I referenced appears to show her in mid-undulation, wearing an intense, sinister glare;


2. The dual morph being that is newly-skeletal Nicole Richie and newly-skeletal DJ AM. As they waste away, their glower intensifies and turns postively satanic;


3. Brittany Murphy, whose chin is becoming so sharply angular that soon she will not be allowed to take it on airplanes;


4. Christina Aguilera, whose occasional walks through the Roaring '20s Flapper aisle make her look like a young Ethel Merman, only with a less-impressive bust;


5. Kelly Ripa, whom I should have added several years ago when, for her show with Regis, she interviewed young boys at Disneyland, asking, "Who's hotter, me or Snow White?"

OK, I'm just running off at the mouth, trying to postpone my dismay that it's Sunday night, I'm sad, and there's no cable at this place where I'm house sitting. Also, this next week is going to be chaotic, and the dog I'm babysitting is on an unexplained barking jag (the case for cats).

I'm going to go back to thinking about Paris's awesome death scene. Let's all talk about it tomorrow, OK? And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

Star of the day. . .Pyewacket