My friend Al has a vast record collection, of which he is very proud and rightly so. He keeps the collection in his casita, which he's dubbed the Geek Hut, and he's very generous with its bounty. Often, he sends me CDs he's mixed from the various records--songs from obscure Arizona bands from the '60s, or excellent old blues cuts.

On the way to work this morning, I listened to a mix containing a startling folk song by a guy named Red River Dave, all about the Manson Family murders. It's called "California Hippy Murders," and as a bonus, includes yodeling.

My point in bringing this up is to introduce the fact that he also sent me a song entitled "So Young," which is highly creepy, sung from the point of view of a guy in love with a teenager. The teenager in question moans disaffectedly through the entire song, "Ohhhhhhh, BABY!" and like that. It's highly disturbing (hence great). I can't remember the name of the artist, but Al mentioned that he'd come to no good end. "I think he got killed at a party," was his actual answer.

Anyway, listening to that song made me start to think about all the other songs there are about adult guys in love with young girls. "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett, for one. "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon," by Neil Diamond, is another one. All these poppy little songs about guys in love with, apparently, teenage girls. Everyone accepts it as a normal part of the Muzak soundtrack of our society, but the lyrics are really unsettling.

Why are these songs so popular? And, more important: Why are there no age-inappropriate love songs written by women? Where is, like, the song by Aimee Mann about her crush on the paper boy? That's too young, actually, but OK, what about an 18-year-old who bags groceries at her local Safeway? She wrote a song about being in love with a really old guy once, but apparently not a lot of women are willing to touch the subject of younger guys. Can you think of any? If you can, I want to know. This is an underrepresented category for female songwriters, and I am going to do something about it.

I haven't written the song yet, but here are a few cursory ideas:

1. Carl, the Smokin' Bag Boy -- This will concern my infatuation with Carl, the Smokin' Bag Boy, who works at my local Safeway and is at least 18 years of age. Mostly, it will be about his hottness, but I may work in some plays-on-words about his ability to bag eggs without breaking them.


2. Walk By My Chili Table -- This beautiful ode will tell the story of the really cute (and at least 18 years of age) boy with long hair who I saw at the park yesterday while I was attending my table as Miss American Chi1i. It will be a "yearning for love" style song, very tasteful, involving metaphors about butterflies.


3. Boy, You'll Be a Man Soon -- This will just be a cover of that Neil Diamond song, but with the sex changed. Also, I will use a "samba" beat, to give it a little class.


4. I'm Younger Than Your Mom, I Swear -- A rocker, of course--think Bob Seger, "Rock and Roll Never Forgets." But when are you NOT thinking of Bob Seger, "Rock and Roll Never Forgets"? Yeah. That is a GREAT, great song.


5. Call Me (When You're Old Enough to Drink) -- I think this speaks for itself, but it will be subtle, and contain a spoken word segment that deals metaphorically with the rise and fall of the drive-in theatre.


6. Hey, Are You At Least 18? -- I'm picturing a rabble-rousing, good-time down-home rebel yell in the style of "Redneck Girl" or "Jesus Loves Me." In this song, the singer (me) will be driving past Carl, the Smokin' Bag Boy's house at night, yelling at him out the window, while his parents come out on the front lawn and shake a variety of objects in protest (rolling pins, newspapers, etc.). I have the video almost all storyboarded out, I just need to borrow a camera and several thousand dollars (for craft services).


7. Boys, Boys, Boys (Men, Men, Men) -- This is a song about boys who are on the verge of becoming men. I'm imagining a 4/4 straight-up rocker, only all played on toy instruments.

The hits just keep on coming.

Star of the day. . .the Nuge