In which I have another brilliant idea

Is it the smoke? Is it the fire? Is it the ash raining down on my head, or the fact that all of California is burning, burning? Could it be the Santa Ana winds, rushing down through the canyons with hurricane speed? Maybe it�s the tide, but something is giving me the Best Ideas Ever!!!

I have become like a genius with the great ideas, as in the following example:

I woke up the other night at around 3:00 AM, laughing like a crazy woman, laughing so hard I had trouble breathing. �Don�t cry, buddy,� the Keelhauler said sleepily, even though I am pretty sure he knew I wasn�t crying. Leave it to him to try to rack up bonus empathy points from a sleeping person. I couldn�t answer him, though, because I was laughing so hard. I rolled around like a fever victim, tangled in the bedding. Tears rolled down my cheeks, wetting the pillowcase and Soylent Bun, my favorite stuffed rabbit. He has a little fisherman�s sweater and everything.

I laughed for probably fifteen minutes, unable to explain to the Keelhauler exactly why I was laughing, but in print, I will have no such problem. My brain had given me the most hilarious idea ever, which I experienced in the form of a dream. In this dream, I had created a website, just a single page, really, called snowmangiggling.com � are you clutching your sides and pounding the table with laughter yet? Just wait!

This web site featured one thing: a short clip of a person wearing a snowman costume, and giggling. I was having trouble working out the exact nature of the snowman costume�like, should it be fuzzy? Inflatable? Papier-m�ch�? But those are all details for another time, after I have purchased the snowmangiggling.com domain name.

I predict that it will be an enormous success, because A) look how hard it made me laugh; and 2) how could a genius concept like snowmangiggling.com possibly fail?

Thank you, Brain, for giving me this idea! That is the prayer I offered up to my brain, one I continue to offer as the days pass. I don�t want to staunch the flow of ideas. I don�t know that I�ll be lucky enough for another snowmangiggling.com, but who�s to say where the limits of my creativity will lie? If there even are limits!

Here�s an idea I had. It just came to me, like the snowman one. It�s an idea for a new TV show, and I think you�ll like it. It�s called BIG & TEENY and it is about a big, burly, working class guy, let�s call him Big Mike. He�s totally big and working class, and sits around in his recliner a lot, or else works on indeterminate projects in the garage. OK, so he is obviously the �BIG� in �BIG & TEENY,� but here�s the thing: he has a cute, skinny wife named Teeny. In fact, I think it will be about two guys�big, burly, working class guys�who are both married to teeny, hot women. Probably, just one of them will be named Teeny, or it�ll get confusing. But doesn�t that sound like the most genius TV show ever? It�s never been done!

Here�s a sample plot: Big Mike wants to go to a football game with his brother, whose name, let�s say, is� Big Ed. No, Big Jesse. OK, so Big Mike & Jesse really want to go to the game, but it�s the same weekend that Teeny and �Rachel want to have a yard sale and clean out all that stuff from the attic. UH-OH, right? I know! That is some trouble right there. What are the guys going to do?

So, OK, Big Mike gets Big Jesse to fake like he has to visit his parole officer, stemming from the time he killed that hooker in Reno. The guys make up a wacky story about how Big Mike has to go along with Big Jesse as a character witness, and so the wives toss their blonde bubble hair-do�s fetchingly and agree that they can take care of the yard sale, they guess.

[Then, there will be a couple of commercials, like for Home Deepio, and remedies for erectile dysfunction.]

So, it�s the day of the yard sale, and the girls are wearing rolled-up jeans and like checked gingham shirts, teeny ones, with bandanas tied over their hair-do's. We see them lugging out old boxes of Bon Jovi posters and like a fondue set left over from Big Mike�s previous marriage. After an initial rush, the traffic slows down at the yard sale, and the gals put up their teeny feet and turn on that old 27� TV they�re trying to sell, which inexplicably works out in the yard. And what is on? That�s right: The Big Game! Ha ha ha, they laugh, too bad our big burly guys didn�t get to go to the game! And they watch it for a little while, and they suddenly think, �Hey� what if they DID go to the game and are in the stands right now?� And right then, the camera pans across the crowd of waving, face-painted guys. And then a news flash cuts in, and we see a police photo of Big Jesse, who has just been arrested for killing another hooker!

The girls shake their heads, their teeny heads, and go get their purses to bail his big ass out of jail.

The end.

I think it�s at least as good as �According to Jim,� which although I have never seen it, seems to bite. Whaddya say?



Star of the day. . .Johnny Nashinal
posted @ 3:50 p.m. on October 23, 2007 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......