I finally got my phone number changed--this week has been hell ever since Paris's T-Mobile Sidekick got hacked and her friend's phone numbers got plastered all over the Hinternet. (Paris Hilton, I mean. Not her boyfriend, although his name also is Paris. I don't think he carries a Swarovski-studded Sidekick, but then, Paris won't let me within fifteen feet of the boy. Please! As if "heir to a shipping fortune" is really my type.)

It was all anyone could talk about. All the A-List, Paris-style jet-set glitterati. Ingrid Casares. Lindsay Lohan. Me. Even little Ashley Olsen got 3,000 prank calls! (Of course, we're all thinking, "Take THAT, Mary Kate!" but no one would say it to her skull, I mean, face.)

I know the pictures of Paris making out with that MTV girl, what's her name, Scleroderma, caused them both a lot of embarrassment. All the really good pictures, like of Paris making out with me, were taken on my camera phone. They're much more flattering, and for once she's not showing the camera that bizarre, tilted, three-quarter view of her face, the one that makes her head look like two eyes and a smirk painted on a cube. I offered to e-mail her the pictures, but the poor thing is still so shaken she never wants to touch a computer again.

Between you and me...? I think her real embarrassment stems from the revelation that the girl is illiterate as a hayseed. Just look at this text message she sent me back in January:

"Vilet ;my thong & my Blonics R in jacoosy I no u did it??????/ PS bring vodka im out."

Right, Paris, I threw your underwear and your shoes in the hot tub. That smacks of Nicky, if you ask me. She's jealous because she has feet like cross-country skis, poor girl and wearing Paris's stilettos makes her mince like she's got a poker up her you-know-what.

So, tonight, I'm valuing my privacy and keeping it real, just kickin' it in the harbor, rockin' some white wine, got some red wine chillin', going to make myself a little drink. It's a favorite among all of us in the Paris Posse. Here's the recipe, so you can imitate us and fantasize about our glamorous lives:

Klasse' Kocktail

1 glass red wine
3 white wine ice cubes

That's all, y'all! Tschin-tschin, and bottoms up!

Star of the day. . .JD Salinger