In which I have the key

Friend, have you been struggling with feelings of wanting to touch people? Coworkers, specifically, in their silky jewel-toned coworker pants? Do you find yourself cutting out photos from back issues of Penthouse and saving them in a file so you can bring them to work and giggle over them with Ed, from Risk Management? What about that new account exec�who does she think she is, sneaking in here at 9:43, reeking of cigarettes and expensive rum? What has she been doing all night? Don�t you want to ask her, while insinuating that she�s a real mattress athlete, making �squeaka-squeaka� noises, rubbing your elbow, and waggling your eyebrows? Hey, it�s all in good fun, right?

No! It�s not! And I am here to tell you to STOP! Those behaviors equal, according to the workshop I took recently, sexual harassment, and that is WRONG!

The drag is, I was not engaging in any of those behaviors before the workshop, so I am left feeling like I missed out on the good old days.

Our instructor, whom I�ll call Mr. Moore, is apparently an expert in the field of sexual harassment prevention. And he was happy to repeat that fact 43 million times, in between anecdotes about rogue cops and warnings not to ever date, touch, or look directly at anyone we work with.

While in general, I agree with his message and do not wish to harass or be harassed by coworkers present or future, I had difficulty staying focused on Mr. Moore�s words. He displayed an annoying tendency to punctuate his sentences with loud, drawn-out �Ahnnnnnn-hah!�s and �Hohhhhhhhhhhhhnnnn!�s to illustrate his points. That, in combination with a habit of answering his own rhetorical questions, (�Riddle me this��) left almost no room for the viewer. The �Ahnnnn-hah!�s represented either "wait a minute, there, Chester!" or �yes,� while the �hohhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn�s indicated, in a wavering tone, Mr. Moore�s fear that the rhetorical question he�d just asked had an obvious negative answer, as in the following example:

Mr. Moore: So, would it then be a GOOD idea to give your coworker a backrub at her desk?

Mr. Moore: (Shaking head, looking terrified) Hohhnnnnnnnnn�� hooohhhhhnnnnnnnnn!

At which point, he�d pull out a GI Joe doll and ask it rhetorical questions for a while.

The seminar, while not imparting any really useful information, was thus not a complete waste of time. I did learn about, say, Mr. Moore�s policy on dealing with men who date his daughter (threats of physical harm deter sexual advances). I also learned this great acronym so I can remember the things that constitute sexual harassment in the workplace. Ready?

SMASOSPO

Smasospo! There you have it. It stands for:

Statements, Material or Actions that are Sexually Oriented that Someone could find Personally Objectionable

And it makes exactly as much sense as the real acronym he gave us, which I�m not using because I don�t want to give away his trade secret. I will say this: the acronym he gave us forms a word that comprises three English words not generally found together and which have no relation whatsoever to sex or harassment. It also, as in my example, ignores key words in the phrase in the interest of forming a pronounceable acronym.

He was big on acronyms. None of his acronyms formed anything memorable, and he had them all written out on acetate overheads for our benefit.

Mr. Moore: Now, see here, we have MESHP�. Moore�s Examples of Sexual Harassment Prevention. OK? MESHP. [scribble scribble] and THIS line here [scribble scribble] means that YOU [shaking GI Joe] can�t TOUCH ANYBODY! SMASOSPO! SMASOSPO! Remember it! Because you will need it! There�ll come that day when you think, [waving GI Joe] �Gee, should I forward this naked picture of Kathy Ireland to the boss?� Hoannnnnnnnnh! Hoannnnnnnh!

And so on.

Today, my mission is: to charge all of you with the honor and duty of being your own little sexual harassment trainers. Armed with the information you have gleaned today, go forth and educate your friends and coworkers! No means No! �Hoannnnnnnnnnnnnnh! Hooooooooooahn!� also means No! Everything means No!

Except for me, Violet. I always mean Yes.



Star of the day. . .Kevinosss
posted @ 3:56 p.m. on June 12, 2007 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......