After a fitful night of disturbing dreams--the clearest detail of which was my inability to rid myself of a startling turquoise-colored rash on one arm, like a patina that copper develops over time--I awoke to discover a hazy glow surrounding the sleeping Keelhauler. Initially, I thought I'd put my contact lenses on inside-out again, but it turns out that I have miraculously developed the ability to read auras. Isn't that fantastic? Well, yes, it certainly is.

The Keelhauler's aura is a pleasant shade of grass green, as it turns out, with striations of sea blue and coral. It's beautiful, reminiscent of a fine stained-glass window, but without a whole lot of tiresome, martyred saints peering down at you and making you feel guilty for putting a measly forty cents into the collection plate. "It's all I have in my purse!" you can whine, but they know you're holding out on them, so they just nod and smirk, miming devil horns with fingers atop their heads, to remind you of your date with the Man Downstairs.

Because I do not believe in charging money for my many talents, too many to list here, I will offer this one-time-only opportunity for you to have your aura read by me. That was poorly worded.

Just ask, and I will read your aura, remotely, for free. I have decided to do this remotely because I am, despite my amazing psychic abilities, lazy and not fond of road travel.

Write me today! I cannot say how long this miraculous ability will last.

Star of the day. . .Ms Hambox! Happy birthday.