It�s proving to be more difficult than I imagined to come up with the worst mix CD ever. There is just so much overlap among the songs, as far as the various badness categories, I�m having trouble deciding which particular trait to use as the defining badness element. I�m leaning toward either ungrammatical lyrics or banal subject matter. And, as both those groups can claim me as a member, I can�t get up on too high of a horse.

My efforts to make a list have been sidetracked�just for the moment�by an odd text message I received from an unfamiliar number. It reads:

hola te sone bien rico te kiero me gusto lo q hisimos anoche en el sueno bye

Huh. What is that trying to tell me? I don�t really �speak� �Spanish,� so I�m guessing it�s a) important and b) possibly dirty. My rudimentary translation is something like, �Hello you sound so great and rich and I want to buy you an expensive sapphire bracelet, sweet-ass beyotch! Bye.�

On the off chance that I was being offered jewelry, I wrote back immediately, saying:

no es el numero de una amiga no no no lo siento senorita lo siento y hardy har har

Moments later, I got a reply. It read:

hola te sone bien rico te kiero me gusto lo q hisimos anoche en el sueno bye

So, whatever the information is, someone really wants me to know it.

Sadly, I have to move on and get back to my list of songs that comprise the worst mix CD ever.

I have one so far, chosen largely on the basis of grammatical disgrace, which is:

More Than Words -- Extreme

Now, all you girls, don�t get up in my bouffant with your whining about how you love this song, because I will not have it. Even if we overlook the grating vocal, there is no escaping the hatchet job the lyricist has performed. To bolster my argument, I consulted a professional English teacher to explain what, exactly, the problems are in just the first verse of the song. Here is her response:

Multiple issues. The "saying" does not match the verb phrase that comes later. But even if we cleared that up to "I love you is not the words I want to hear from you," we'll still have trouble because of subject-verb agreement. If you're going to deal with the phrase "the words," then the verb needs to be "are not the words" because we're dealing with more than one word (more than woooooords). If you wanted to put the phrase in quotes, you could use a singular: I love you is not the phrase I want to hear from you, perhaps. Or I love you isn't what I want to hear from you.

As for that middle section, you're on your own sista.

(Full disclosure: She is not my sista.)

And so we see that even a professional grammarian (which I�m claiming she is) has given up on this song, which is little more than an inarticulate plea for sex. Do we really need a song to express the concept �Shut up and fuck me�? If we do, I would suggest that someone else write one, and stick to the generally accepted rules of grammar as outlined in Strunk & White.

More on this fascinating subject as it develops.

P.S.

As if to taunt me, there is a truck idling outside at this very moment, playing Turn the Page. OK, Bob--you made the list.

Star of the day. . .Charlotte, of Web fame