In which I assess the situation

Half an hour ago, I heard my boss yell my name from his office. This is his usual mode of communication, so I was not alarmed.

"I need a list of your... your... what do you call 'em..." he trailed off. He never celebrates my birthday, and it's too early for him to start shopping for Christmas, not that he gives me a gift then either, so I realized that what he wanted was a list of my ACCOMPLISHMENTS. It is annual review time, yay! Everybody loves annual performance reviews! By their boss!

"I haven't accomplished anything," I answered. It's true. I haven't. We go through this every year, and every year, I have to make up a list of things that sound like accomplishments. It's ludicrous. My job is not one where I am required (or even encouraged) to improve systems or discover innovative ways to save the company money. It is an accomplishment, at times, to stay awake at my desk, but I do not think my boss would appreciate hearing me say so.

"Well, then make a list of things you tried to accomplish," he yelled from his desk.

That is more in the realm of the possible, but I am wary of committing my various failures to paper. (Example of one such failure: the previous sentence!) My accomplishments mainly entail developing the self-restraint necessary to refrain from saying "Fuck YOU, motherFUCKER!!!" to an unpleasant caller until after I have hung up the phone. I feel that this is enough.

So, I have two days to get this Round-Up of Failed Attempts to my boss. Any advice is welcome.

Well, most advice.



Star of the day. . .Graham Russell
posted @ 10:16 a.m. on August 27, 2008 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......