In his book Running With Scissors, Augusten Burroughs describes a method of divination called �bible-dipping,� where the querent asks a question and then opens a book (in the case he describes, it�s the bible) and points to a certain word to get an answer. The process is also known as bibliomancy, but I much prefer the irritating name he lists. You use it thusly: �Want to do a bible-dip with me?� The name is, to me, evocative of carnival concessions, and I find it simultaneously grating and appealing.

At any rate, I want to try this �bible-dipping� to learn the future. I don�t have a bible here, but I do have an uncorrected proof of Jean Nathan�s The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll, a biography of eerie, alienated children�s book author Dare Wright, so I�ll just go with that one. OK.

Q: Am I going to race today, even though it�s probably going to rain?
A: SPENT

Now, any answer from the bible-dip requires a certain amount of interpretation. I am going to interpret this as meaning Yes, I am going to race, which will require physical exertion that will leave me feeling SPENT. OK! Thanks, Lonely Doll. Let�s move on!

Q: Is my friend Don suffering from Acquired Situational Narcissism Syndrome?
A: LIKE

I�m going to interpret this as a yes. A qualified yes, meaning, he is suffering from something LIKE it. But still, yes.

Q: Do I have a secret admirer?
A: AND

This indicates to me that I have more than one secret admirer. Maybe I should ask again, for the sake of clarity.

Q: Do I have more than one secret admirer?
A: WANTED

Now, this either means I am wanted, like, by several secret admirers, or it�s the bible-dip version of �you wish!� One of the flaws of this system, obviously, is its ambiguity. Because it�s more flattering to me, I�m going to go with my first, and hence most honest, interpretation.

One last question:

Q: Why am I so conflicted all the time?
A: WROTE

Hm. I don�t know how to respond.

Well, thank you for joining me for Lonely Doll Prophecy Corner. If you have questions you�d like to ask the Lonely Doll, please write me, and I�ll petition on your behalf.

Star of the day. . .Jean Nathan