In his book Running With Scissors, Augusten Burroughs describes a method of divination called “bible-dipping,” where the querent asks a question and then opens a book (in the case he describes, it’s the bible) and points to a certain word to get an answer. The process is also known as bibliomancy, but I much prefer the irritating name he lists. You use it thusly: “Want to do a bible-dip with me?” The name is, to me, evocative of carnival concessions, and I find it simultaneously grating and appealing.

At any rate, I want to try this “bible-dipping” to learn the future. I don’t have a bible here, but I do have an uncorrected proof of Jean Nathan’s The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll, a biography of eerie, alienated children’s book author Dare Wright, so I’ll just go with that one. OK.

Q: Am I going to race today, even though it’s probably going to rain?
A: SPENT

Now, any answer from the bible-dip requires a certain amount of interpretation. I am going to interpret this as meaning Yes, I am going to race, which will require physical exertion that will leave me feeling SPENT. OK! Thanks, Lonely Doll. Let’s move on!

Q: Is my friend Don suffering from Acquired Situational Narcissism Syndrome?
A: LIKE

I’m going to interpret this as a yes. A qualified yes, meaning, he is suffering from something LIKE it. But still, yes.

Q: Do I have a secret admirer?
A: AND

This indicates to me that I have more than one secret admirer. Maybe I should ask again, for the sake of clarity.

Q: Do I have more than one secret admirer?
A: WANTED

Now, this either means I am wanted, like, by several secret admirers, or it’s the bible-dip version of “you wish!” One of the flaws of this system, obviously, is its ambiguity. Because it’s more flattering to me, I’m going to go with my first, and hence most honest, interpretation.

One last question:

Q: Why am I so conflicted all the time?
A: WROTE

Hm. I don’t know how to respond.

Well, thank you for joining me for Lonely Doll Prophecy Corner. If you have questions you’d like to ask the Lonely Doll, please write me, and I’ll petition on your behalf.

Star of the day. . .Jean Nathan