ARIES: Can one man stop the tide with an ordinary five-gallon pail? Can one woman leash a tornado with a chain-link belt she bought at Ross? They can, and will, if that man or woman is you, Aries. Take a moment to look around at the everyday objects you take for granted, and ponder their use in extraordinary ways! I�m fairly sure you can take this prediction literally, so use those magic powers wisely.TAURUS: Dip yourself in marshmallow and roll in Rice Krispies, to transform yourself into a treat sweet enough to brighten the whole world�s day! Except for diabetics, who you would pretty much send into a coma. Meditate this week on the implications of killing with kindness. Also: Avoid public transit and tree nuts.GEMINI: Your key word for the day is: FIZZY. Investigate the ways that manifests in your life, whether it�s a fantastic bottle of Champagne or a soda you didn�t know had been shaken up. However it appears, this FIZZY-ness is bound to change your outlook. Take good notes! Show your work.CANCER: Did you already get out of bed today? Well� there might still be time to salvage the rest of the week. Try not to move around a lot or say the word �organization.� That is all I can tell you. Oh, and: rethink those shoes. No reason.LEO: What�s that song stuck in your head? Is it �Range Life� by Pavement? Because that�s been stuck in my head for two days, now, and I�m really getting sick of it. Your task this week, Leo, is to concern yourself with the private thoughts of others. Also, to roll that loose change and take it to the bank. Why do you have all that loose change, anyway? Don�t you have a debit card?VIRGO: Hey, so what�s up, Virgo? I see you�ve got the �Casual Friday� look going on a Thursday� way to buck the trend, trendsetter! Did that get on your nerves? Good! This week is all about your nerves, and the things that get on them, namely: everyone and everything in the Universe. There is literally nothing you can do about this, but try not to slap anyone.LIBRA: Wake up, Sleeping Beauty! You�ll need your wits about you this week as Mars and the Sun form an unfortunate three-way with your ruling planet, Venus. The maleficent planetary aspect will last until May 1st, so settle in and get used to the abuse. The upside: you now have an excuse for being a flake. When the angry mob confronts you, just point toward the heavens and shrug.SCORPIO: So� how do I put this? You�re being kind of a dink. Knock it off.SAGITTARIUS: You�re known as the Fox of the Zodiac, and for good reason, Sagittarius! This statement is based on valid scientific evidence, and does not represent some veiled booty call to a certain smokin� Sagittarean I want to bang, Carl.CAPRICORN: Stay out of taverns. Carry a black umbrella. Avoid voyages by sea. Look for a man named Ramon, who will lead you to the treasure. If you see a blind man carrying a china teapot, ask him for �The Blue Phosphate� and take what he gives you to 33 Meridian Street in Appleton, Wisconsin. The password is �Carpathia.� The secret number is 16. Your porn name is Mittens Laconia.AQUARIUS: After a pretty good show in March, you�ve experienced a downhill slide into April that will continue until the Moon forms its unholy quincunx with Uranus on October 8th. It�s unfortunate, and ruins your plans for summer in Boca, but hang on tight and keep your arms above your head: the beating will be over soon enough.PISCES: Did you notice that I like to start my predictions off with questions? But not all the time? You�re very observant, Pisces, and that quality will magnify every aspect of your waking life this week. Possible things to observe: the time; the Sabbath; the conditions of the restraining order.
Star of the day. . .The Sun posted @ 12:52 p.m. on April 17, 2008
before |
after
|
She lay awake all night,
zzzzzzzzzzz......