What is your perfume �about�? Because my perfume, my personal, eponymous perfume, violet blisters is �about� life, passion, and my fondness for the Matterhorn ride at Disneyland. It also features topnotes of my dislike for the music of Billy Joel, but you have to be a real conoisseur to pick that up, and let�s face it: most people are too desensitized by TV violence and poor fluorescent lighting to ever perceive the subtle nuances I�m describing.

I know, I know, every celebrity from J-Lo to Jay Leno has his own eponymous perfume. But my eponymous perfume, violet blisters is about me. I worked long hours with a team of fragrance-ologists to refine the specific blend of oils and fumes that meld into the beautiful miasma that is violet blisters.

I�ve created an entire line of products, which includes perfume, eau de cologne, after-bath sweat film, pores a-plenty face-clogging grease, petrol-coif hair slickening goo, �lick me, hot mama� violet-flavored belly-button chunks, and powdered purple toe-lightening slime�all enhanced with the heady fragrance of violet blisters.

In creating violet blisters I remind fans I am a tall, strong, eccentric, deeply insecure yet music-loving woman�and competent typist�and reveal a little more of the private, �at-home� Violet, the one the fans will never, ever get to know or even meet, but whom they might pretend to emulate through the consumption of my signature fragrance.

I was inspired to design this line upon reading about Celine�s new line of perfume. Sorry: Celine Dion. Not everyone is on a first-name basis with her, but she�s so down-to-earth, that I frequently forget that. She called to tell me about it, pretending to solicit advice, but really wanting to crow about her new project. �I�m calling it� BELONG,� she said breathily, causing me to yank the phone away from my ear. �Beloooooong,� she repeated, �What you tink?� I let the silence hang for a moment too long, just to let her know I thought the name sucked eggs, but when I spoke, my voice was feathers and cream. �Love it,� I answered. �It sounds like a male enhancement drug�people are going to go nuts for it, especially really, really horny guys with erectile dysfunction!� It was her turn to let the pause hang. �Violet, you know Rene don�t got that problem no more since he taking the Viagra,� she hissed. (Right, Celine. And you�re 36.) She then burst into an ear-splitting chorus of �The Power of Love� and I had to yank the phone away from my ear again.

I hate that bitch sometimes. She�s supposed to be in retirement, but I swear she�s never been more overexposed. �So, how�s private life treating you?� I said, falsely casual.

�Eet never been better!� she answered, over the beeping of keys as she prepared to fax me a press kit for her new project. I lied and told her I had to take a whiz, and hung up the phone to pore over the pages she�d sent. I stopped reading after I saw "The new fragrance reflects where Celine is right now in her life � enjoying her family when she is out of the spotlight."

Apparently, an important part of staying out of the spotlight is sending out periodic press releases detailing your activities, or else the very nature of being out of the spotlight will render you invisible to fans, loving and adoring fans, who will pine away in your absence, sobbing into their Beanie Babies, wailing, �Celiii-heee-heee-heeeeeeen! Why did you abandon us!?�

Have no fear, dear friends, I will never abandon you. That is the central �message� of my new perfume line, its �mission statement.� My perfumes and lotions will enhance you with the mystical power of Violet, the strange, unearthly mystique that colors my every breath. Buy violet blisters, and you will understand what it is to be me. Buy violet blisters, and all your questions about the meaning of life will be answered. Buy violet blisters, and you will be guaranteed a comfortable queen-sized bed and fifty thousand dollars a year for sixteen years.

Also, it smells like lilacs and Jesus.