Has everybody already complained about this? It's the Venus Vibrance, the ingenious razor/vibrator combination that all the ladies have clamored for ever since Lizzie Borden was exonerated!

I've been seeing ads for this thing, this "Vibrance," and it makes me want to weep with hopelessness.

Or... is it hopelessness? Could it be JOY? Could this have been the device I've been needing to "feel so pampered," as the ad says? Mmmmm... pampered, like I'm relaxing on a beach in Bermuda, wearing absorbent, puffy diapers. Freud, or someone else, wrote that fear is a red flag, waving in the direction you ought to go. In that case, I should head toward the Vibrance, and embrace its vibrating sharpness, letting the razor skitter aimlessly all over my legs and other shaveables, pampering myself with the luxury of erraticly moving razor blades. On second thought, that probably wasn't Freud who said that. It might have been, like, SARK, or Winston Churchill.

Anyway, I don't really want to pamper myself with razors, and I'm going to ignore the obvious sexual connotation of the vibrating nature of the implement, because I don't want to think about all the people who genuinely will embrace the new Vibrance. Gillette should change their ad, though, to say something like, "Too ashamed to visit the 'adult bookstore'? Pamper your neglected ass with the Vibrance! Just make sure not to point the razor part toward anything vulnerable."

Damn. You know, the other day, this woman at work (Darienne) announced at a meeting that the only way to combat the stress of our jobs is to "pamper" ourselves. She explained that she has a hot tub and a massage table at her house, and that she always takes extra care to "pamper" herself when she gets home. Was she talking about this razor? She is a bit of a nut job. When she pronounces the word "pamper," she stretches it out, like a little verbal embrace... I'm grossing myself out, because I just said the word out loud, in a surprisingly accurate imitation of the way she says it.

I hate the concept of pampering, associated as it is with plump babies and simpering grown-up babies like Paris Hilton, mincing toward daddy's wallet to get money for the mani-pedi party she's hosting at the spa. Perhaps there is something Freudian happening here, because I clearly relate the concept of nurture and care with helplessness or manipulation. This could explain a lot.

Before I go to sleep tonight, I'll have to take a moment to clear my head of the image of Darienne sitting in her home hot tub and seductively wielding a hot pink, vibrating razor.

I'm so unhappy.

Star of the day. . .Sommer Knight