Types of storms that would be worse than the wind storm we�re currently experiencing:

1. Fire storm


2. Hail storm


3. Shit storm

(See illustration)

ILLUSTRATION

The Keelhauler is out to sea in this particular storm, has in fact been out since the 14th. He called this morning to let me know that instead of getting home tomorrow as planned, he has to stay another week. Without placing blame, I�ll just hint that his dead-beat ex-con drug addict replacement up and quit by phone a couple of days ago, so the Keelhauler has to fill in for him. The upside of this is, of course, that he no longer has to deal with the dead-beat ex-con drug addict replacement, who by way of mitigation I will mention is also a tattoo-covered religious nutbar. The downside is that the Keelhauler will be working on New Year�s Eve, completing the holiday trifecta that started with Thanksgiving. I am sad about it, but for selfish reasons, like not being able to kiss him at midnight on New Year�s Eve. I have a ridiculous belief that whatever one does New Year�s Eve will carry through the entire year, so the non-kissing does not bode well for �07.

I�m sure I�ll find something fulfilling to do, perhaps assist my aunt�s friend Jodene in figuring out the sexes of the kittens her cat just delivered. Jodene is not a professional cat breeder, as she�ll be happy to explain (over and over) but she has lots of extra money to throw around, and a love of Persian cats, so got herself a couple of them and set the wheels in motion. She was thrilled when Snowflake (the girl) got pregnant, and sent off a swirl of e-mails in praise of Cotton Fluff (the male). (�What a STUD!!!!!!� one of the messages read, meaning Cotton.)

Jodene has a little experience raising field trial retrievers, and refers to that experience at every turn, in an effort to create drama. Before the kittens were born, she wrote periodically to express hope that she would prove a fit midwife. �If we were talking field trial retrievers I�d be fine, but I don�t know about cats!� Her panic proved groundless, and Snowflake delivered three healthy kittens with little assistance.

That crisis over, Jodene is focusing on her need to know the sexes of the �little angles,� as she called them. She has abandoned her own bed in order to sleep in the living room with the cats. �I can't take any pictures until the sun light is just right because I sure don't want to blind them with a flash. Did I ever tell you about the guy that blinded a whole litter of retrievers? What a stupid thing he did. Very costly too.�

A little later, she wrote with more news:

�Here's a little update for you. Amazing how big these little guys are getting. Of course when you've only had retrievers they seem so small but here goes the break down. This is in the order they were born.

1. Big white 8.3 oz.
2. Sm.white 7.0 oz.
3. Smoke 7.9 oz.�

Good going Snowflake!�

I suppose she must be using a postal scale, which is nice, as she then can simultaneously calculate the cost of mailing each kitten, say, to me. Having raised only white tigers and the occasional litter of ocelots, I am accustomed to hauling the cubs over to the local truck stop and putting each one on the truck scale. That way, I was certain that the results were guaranteed by the Dept. of Weights and Measures. I guess some people just aren't as concerned with kitten-weight accuracy as I am.

She is very upset that Snowflake swipes at her every time she grabs a kitten to determine its sex. As far as that is concerned, she could do what I did, and just hold up a little dress and a little suit jacket and see which each cub was attracted to. If that failed, I would use my psychic powers of feline communication and just ask. But not everyone is as refined, psychically, as I.

And speaking of psychic, or mystic, or really, I guess, superior is the word I�m looking for, I want to alleviate all the concerns you may have about whether blogging is spiritually responsible. A couple of months ago, Pastor Kevin from the Reform Church of God expressed, in a very long blog post, the many reasons that blogging (except for his blogging, natch) is spiritual folly. As an example of this, he stated that �Phrases such as �screwed up,� �I dunno,� and every type of swear word are commonly used.�

Since reading Pastor Kevin�s article, I have thought long and hard about whether my blog is furthering the mission of Satan. �Am I just blathering on just to build up my ego?� I asked, taking a seat at the back of the little gospel church across the street from my office, �Am I guilty of the sin of Pride?� A choir hummed a soulful melody in seven-part harmony, the soundtrack to my inner monologue. Pastor Kevin said that blogs have �enabled everyone to have a voice on any matter,� adding, �Ask yourself, �Do I have a tendency to want to have a voice?�� I had a sudden realization that my tendency to want a voice should inspire me to start not a blog, but my own religion. If only I had the time. The Church of Violet� think of the chasubles!

In the end, the combination of incense and harmonic humming led me to abandon my dreams of my own religion, and spend some time on my knees in heartfelt prayer to the Lord: Am I creating this blog for the right reasons? Am I guilty of the sin of blathering? Should I continue to write? Please, please, send me a sign!

After three hours, I saw a holy vision and heard a voice intone this answer, which I am 100% certain came from God himself:

Thumbs up, babydoll.

Hallelujah, and praise be! Blather on, Pastor Kevin, but you cannot touch me, for this blog has been greenlighted by God himself. He sent me this badge, for display on my page:

I dunno about you, but I think that is fucking cool.