Here are the real reasons I won't house sit for you

  1. No HBO.

  2. Your dog stares at me when I'm getting out of the shower and it makes me feel dirty.

  3. Your house is too far from my office.

  4. Your house is too close to my office.

  5. I suspect that you have hidden cameras, which constrains my ability to "be myself" around your cat.

  6. You still owe me for the last time I house-sat for you. You and your annoying, tiny dogs.

  7. Your dogs are annoying and tiny.

  8. Your dogs are large and rambunctious and/or have death breath.

  9. Your dog stares at me when I'm getting out of the shower and I am starting to look for signs of his approval.

  10. The catalogs you receive lead me to believe that your lifestyle is trite and superficial.

  11. I am uncomfortable sleeping in the bed where you and your wife "do it."

  12. Weird sounds coming from attic.

  13. Inadequate lighting.

  14. Refrigerator contains only jars of pickle juice and expired salad greens.

  15. Concern that you're trying to collect my fingerprints as part of a future burglary/homicide frame-up scheme.

  16. I don't like you in that way.



Star of the day. . .Lyle Lovett
posted @ 3:54 p.m. on October 16, 2007 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......