Here are the real reasons I won't house sit for you
- No HBO.
- Your dog stares at me when I'm getting out of the shower and it makes me feel dirty.
- Your house is too far from my office.
- Your house is too close to my office.
- I suspect that you have hidden cameras, which constrains my ability to "be myself" around your cat.
- You still owe me for the last time I house-sat for you. You and your annoying, tiny dogs.
- Your dogs are annoying and tiny.
- Your dogs are large and rambunctious and/or have death breath.
- Your dog stares at me when I'm getting out of the shower and I am starting to look for signs of his approval.
- The catalogs you receive lead me to believe that your lifestyle is trite and superficial.
- I am uncomfortable sleeping in the bed where you and your wife "do it."
- Weird sounds coming from attic.
- Inadequate lighting.
- Refrigerator contains only jars of pickle juice and expired salad greens.
- Concern that you're trying to collect my fingerprints as part of a future burglary/homicide frame-up scheme.
- I don't like you in that way.
Star of the day. . .Lyle Lovett