There were two other couples there, who I met for the first time. I'm always a little awkward meeting new people, because of that whole "lack of social skills" thing, but I just kept a polite smile on my face, and my wine glass full, and silently repeated "Nobody likes a smartass... Nobody likes a smartass..." (my "mantra" since junior high), and everything went smackdown A-OK.

The party started out politely, with introductions and whatnot, but as the night wore on and the conversation degenerated, I learned several important facts, which I think you'll all really, really enjoy to file away in your own personal "Party Conversation" file, to help break the ice at future social engagements:

1. Grenada is a haven for wife-swappers


2. On long ocean passages, it's fun to sit your cat on your lap and holding her forelegs, make her appear to play a tiny cardboard guitar you've prepared for such an occasion


3. "Paizuri" is the Japanese word for "breast-fucking"

See? It's almost like you were there! Except you weren't, and too bad for you, because it was really fun. And Lara made a delicious lasagna, which started me thinking about how I really need to work on my entertaining skills. I used to love to entertain, when I lived on land (as a "land lubber") and had dishes and a stove and all. In an attempt to rekindle my culinary skills, I bought two cookbooks at the Retarded Children Thrift Store today, after my terrible, hungover sailboat race in which we placed dead last, thank you very much, not my fault though.

The first cookbook is called "Mama Maxine's Menus," and the cover features a fat woman in a flowered bonnet and Ben Franklin glasses, yapping on an old-fashioned phone with a deranged expression of joy. The title of the book is printed on a gold label that's stuck to the cover. Clearly, this cookbook was not printed in a large run, but to me, the exclusivity adds to its appeal. I'm in a little club! The Mama Maxine club. And if you're nice to me, I'll photocopy it and send it to you. Here are the names of a couple of her closely-guarded secret recipes, to entice you:

• Noodles and vegetables


• Individual salad bowls


• Salad bar (first line says, "Actually anything can be included"--that's my kind of free-thinking recipe!)


• Avocado-frosted cauliflower


• Squared circles (first ingredient: vodka)

At the back of the book is a list of things you can look up in the bible, categorized by situation. Like in case you are preparing "Chicken Chandler (Aunt Electa's Recipe)" and the power goes out, you could look under "challenged by opposing forces" and learn that Eph. 6 or Phil 4 will give you that needed strength to go on. I don't know what those particular verses say. Maybe it's advice like "Swing past KFC and pick up a bucket of extra-crispy," or "Look in your local directory for the number of the electric company."

I do kind of want to see what Matt. 15:1-20 says, though, because you're supposed to look it up when you're "Out for a good time." Damn! This cookbook has everything!

She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......