Introducing.... the Jespersons of Mousetail Landing

Out of the blue last week, I got an e-mail message from a friend I'll call Meredith, which consisted entirely of a forwarded message from a woman I know slightly, whose name is Jodene. The message contained an announcement of Jodene's son's marriage, as well as a complaint about the new daughter-in-law's lack of social graces. I didn't know the son--Curly--was getting married, and had no context for the message, but before I could respond, Meredith sent three or four follow-up messages, each containing increasingly paranoid ramblings from Jodene, detailing perceived slights and manufactured drama about devious, child-nabbing ex-husbands, mysterious in-laws, and a bridesmaid who moonlights as a dominatrix, all typed by a woman with a fourth-grade education.

Jodene is not one of my favorite people, not due to any educational lack on her part, but because of her loud, strident manner and disturbing habit of commanding attention by intermittently adopting a contrived persona she calls �a li�l ole gal from the hills of Tennesayyeeeeeeeeee,� complete with an exaggerated rural accent and much batting of the eyes, as if she were channeling Milton Berle playing Debbie Reynolds as �The Unsinkable Molly Brown.� She uses the persona to enliven the telling of self-congratulatory stories such as �This Li�l Ole Country Gal Fought City Hall An� Won� or �So Then I Tol� That J.C. Penney Store Clerk He Could Just Do You-Know-What With That Ol� Electric Blanket!� I�ll admit to a certain fascination with her performances, but her central theme (�Big City Man Cain�t Put One Over On This Li�l Ol' Country Gal!�) eventually grows taxing.

At any rate, I had not solicited information about her son�s wedding, nor about any perceived drama surrounding it, so I was at a loss to understand why Meredith had suddenly forwarded me the messages. I considered writing back to her to explain my lack of interest, but Meredith is a little touchy, and would likely interpret my question as an affront, so instead, I decided I would take the mundane bits of partly-factual information provided and weave it into a novel. I envision an expansive work of fiction, like by Gabriel Garcia Marquez�a magical realist epic about a rural underclass who resemble �The Beans of Egypt, Maine.� Except that Jodene and her husband are in reality millionaires, and haven�t lived in Tennessee since about 1967. So, the novel will be, like, the Beverly Hillbillies, but incorporating some kind of supernatural powers, like maybe Jodene can fly, or see with perfect clarity to distances up to fifty miles. I plan to call this novel �The Nervous Old Woman Whose Paranoid Tendencies Concealed the Mystical Wisdom of Her Secret Heart.� I plan for it to become very, very popular.

Based on the information I�ve gleaned from Jodene�s messages, here�s the outline of Chapter 1:

We meet the family�oh, let�s call them the Jespersons�on the eve of the elder son�s wedding. While the wedding party is greeting friends and family, I will give a hint of the history that imbues the evening with a subtle but overriding tension: Curly (that�s the son) is betrothed to the adoring Jessi. The Jesperson clan recognizes but tactfully doesn�t acknowledge that Curly is in essence rescuing Jessi, a former exotic dancer, from her cold-water shack and night shift at the gas station. Jessi has a five-year-old daughter, Tanqueray, by an ex-husband, whom I'm choosing to call "Deke," and seemingly no other relatives. Following the divorce, Deke once swiped Tanqueray for five whole weeks, leading to tremendous drama and emotional leverage concerning the safety of Tanqueray, whom Jodene cherishes as if the girl were her own. Despite the fact that Deke continues to enjoy visitation rights, Jodene likes to engage in the role of Protector by constantly reminding Tanqueray that the possibility of another abduction exists. Curly, not to be outdone by his mother, has taken the step of finding a house for the newlyweds to rent, in a town where there is but one road in and one road out, thereby ensuring that any car containing a purloined Tanqueray will be easily trailed by local law enforcement ("He's heading out of town in a blue Chrysler!" "That means he's on Main Street! Let's roll!")

The rehearsal dinner is attended by all 67 of the Jespersons, but only Tanqueray is present to represent Jessi�s family, and Jodene becomes suspicious. She corners Tanqueray in the ladies� lounge, and grills her for information regarding the absent relatives, using a falsely friendly manner and a distinct hillbilly accent. �Where�s your li�l ol' granny?� she asks, blinking in a coquettish manner, �Don�t she care that your mama�s getting� hitched to the most wonderful man in this here world?� Her performance is interrupted when the door swings open and two ancient hillbilly aunts creak in, supporting each other by the elbows, and themselves on canes they carved from the gnarled branches of the family hickory tree back in� oh, Mousetail Landing.

I will keep you posted as further chapters develop. I realize that I haven�t worked in Jodene�s supernatural powers yet, but I�ll work on it.



Star of the day. . .Carolyn Chute
posted @ 1:58 p.m. on March 22, 2005 before | after

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She lay awake all night,

zzzzzzzzzzz......