The song If I Ever Get to Saginaw Again.

The finest of all songs that name-check Saginaw, Michigan, this was recorded by the Monkees, but do not let that get you down, friends. It is sung by the great Mike Nesmith, he of the wool hat and slightly put-upon expression, and it�s a sublime tale of young love gone awry. Mike (can I call you �Mike�?), with his agile phrasing and slightly detached tone, is the perfect voice for this story of a young man who may or may not go back to Saginaw. The suspense! The longing!

Aside from the fine phrasing and lovely melody, this song appeals to me for its lyrical structure, which largely describes things that don�t inspire him to go back. �If I ever get to Saginaw again,� it starts out, telling of a girl he �never saw again,� before moving on to hint at the conditions governing his return. �It won�t be in Spring, with meadows turning green,� he says, without further explanation. Perhaps Spring is allergy season, back in Saginaw. He gives us a clue: �It won�t be to tangle with the law again,� leaving us to infer the reasons for his distance from Michigan and a certain someone who is �only seventeen.� The cad. By the end of the song, it�s clear why he hasn�t gone back to Saginaw, but by then, you�re so lulled in by the twangy guitar that you can�t possibly fault him for it.

In addition to enjoying the song, I find it highly fun to imagine other reasons that the protagonist might not return to Saginaw. All you do is fit your own reason into the meter of the second line. Here is an example:

If I ever get to Saginaw again�.
[and here�s where you take over, for example, by saying:]

It won�t be to bribe a judge to have you killed

Or

It won�t be to save three dollars on some jeans.

Or

It won�t be to tell my mother that I�m gay.

Like that. It�s probably more fun if you know the song, so here�s what you should do: go listen to the song. See how simple? Then, you can sing along with it, inserting your own conditions for your potential return to Saginaw.

In short, I love the Mike Nesmith, even though a recent picture I saw of him reveals that he may have morphed into Dour Businessman #35,498. Ah, well. Sic transit gloria Mikey.

And, yes. I am a big geek.

P.S.

For those of you who are curious, here is a slight example of the shoe discovery I made the other day.