A month from tomorrow I'm going to New York to work on a film my friend Jim is directing. Thirty or so days allows me plenty of time to get what the Keelhauler calls "all spun up" about the endeavor, so I'm drinking plenty of caffeine and high-proof rum to fuel the process. It's important to stay hydrated.

I learned that today--the thing about being hydrated--in one of my company's mandatory voluntary training sessions on Wellness. We have many of these training sessions, all of which are described as elective but which are actually required to maintain employment. I try to choose the ones I think I can stay awake through.

The training program was instituted in response to the frequent exit-interview response that employees are not provided with sufficient training and opportunity for career growth. As a result, we now have mandatory classes on Wellness, communication with coworkers, and running effective meetings. These classes are ostensibly a method of increasing employee retention, although everyone views them as a chore, and are presented as beneficial to professional growth, which I suppose is true if one's professional growth hinges on knowing, say, how many calories are in a one-ounce cube of cheddar cheese (110-112). That is just one of the many facts I learned today and I would appreciate credit for my voluntary demonstration of applied knowledge.

The course was taught by a sincere and enthusiastic man who, in the interest of breaking down personal barriers, revealed that when he feels stress, he enjoys listening to "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by "Bobby McPherson." The thought of all that cheerful "Woo-hoo"-ing raised my blood pressure 15 points, so I chose to tune out major sections of the rest of the presentation, which lasted for four hours.

One thing I did take away from the class was an awesome finger puppet. It is yellow, with a round Smiley-face head and extended arms. My table-mate and I used a Sharpie marker to color in the features--mine is also wearing hoop earrings and a bracelet. I feel that the finger-puppet experience did not totally offset the four hours I spent in class, but it did give me a creative outlet I had been lacking.

In other news, and another thing I'm all spun up about, is that the Keelhauler appears to have bought me another car. (I think this is his way of making me feel obligated to let him HAVE HIS WAY with me!)

To counter all this spunned-upedness, and to prepare for my trip to Glamorous New York City, I watched The Finest Film Ever Created, which is, I think you'll not be surprised, EYES OF LAURA MARS. If you are not familiar with this film, my finger-puppet and I strongly recommend that you go out and rent it immediately. Among the many, many reasons to do so:

1. Theme song by a hysterically overwrought Barbra Streisand ("I'm like a prisoner! Captured by your eyes!") Fucking genius.


2. Faye Dunaway, high cheekbones gleaming under a variety of insane hats and voluminous scarfs, zig-zagging manically through the Inner City Pressure of Manhattan, while wearing knee-high, spike-heeled suede boots.


3. Tommy Lee Jones, romantic leading man! (Charged with the most thankless task, acting-wise, in the last several minutes of the film. Watch it and know.)


4. Frizzy-haired models laughing it up in blue eyeshadow, topless! Woo-hoo!


5. Ren� Auberjonois! In drag!


6. The awesome song "Native New Yorker" by the band Odyssey ("You're no tramp, but you're no lady/talkin' that street talk/You're the heart and soul of New York City!")


7. Ice-pick murders!

What else do you need, really?

Well, besides this finger puppet. And I'm not letting that get away.



Star of the day. . .Darlanne Fluegel