My sister-in-law, the great Sam Ann, dreamed up the Keelhauler�s name when he and I moved onto a boat a few years ago. I began telling her stories about life in the marina, which prompted her creative mind to imagine (i.e., discern correctly) that the Keelhauler and I were undercover marine private investigators, solving mysteries dockside. Her depiction of the Keelhauler and me (code name: Emerald McGanty) was so vivid that the Keelhauler adopted the name, took to referring to me as �McGanty,� and not infrequently, to himself in the third person (highly disturbing). Who knew he was such a character in search of an author?

So, the Keelhauler loves his name, and the other night at dinner used it to lobby his cause, which is: He feels that there is not enough emphasis on the Keelhauler in this diary, and that he should have his own "corner," although when pressed, he could not articulate exactly what he wanted to exist in said corner.

It was like... let me see if I can remember it exactly. First of all, we were at the California Pizza Kitchen, which was both unusual and unpleasant. He had a head cold (see previous description). I had the pepperoni & mushroom pizza (see previous...). We were talking about my journal, and he asked, regarding some idea of his that I'd used, "And does the Keelhauler get credit for this?!" Upon learning that he had NOT received credit, he began his case for Keelhauler Korner, although when pressed, as I mentioned, could not articulate exactly what said korner would kontain. He then referred to himself in the third person several times, and felt that he should have a larger presence overall in my journal. When I explained to him that I wrote about him all the time, he mimicked me writing, saying in a snarky voice, "And then that * ^*^(& $%*^() said..." and mimed some more typing, indicating my imagined constant litany of unwarranted complaints about his behavior.

I asked him again today for suggestions of what to put in the korner, and this was his exact response:

�If you happen to quote the Keelhauler or use stories about him or examples of things he�s done, that would qualify as Keelhauler Korner.�

Aside from the third-person issue, he hasn�t really done anything unusual of late. He did recently buy a filet knife, which required me to endure a long and monotonous set of instructions on its proper use, complete with demonstrations of the blade�s flexibility. He acted out the process of fileting a fish, waving the knife in midair with a fluid motion. He warned me not to try to cut "a tomato" with the knife, but stated that if I HAD to cut a tomato, I could use the very end of the blade nearest the handle, where the metal is more substantial. You can't say he doesn't care about my welfare.

Anyway, to give the Keelhauler proper credit, here are the gifts he gave me for Christmas:

• A red and white Fender Stratocaster, for which he fashioned a strap out of a large piece of yellow webbing, for that post-industrial panache


• A vintage hard case for the Fender, which is both appealingly curvaceous and lined with faux tiger fur!


• A pair of swanky binoculars�useful for spying on occupants of the hotel next-door, or so I would assume


• Sparkly and beautiful earrings featuring amethyst, diamond, onyx, and opal, with coordinating pendant, all packaged in a coffee mug so as to throw off would-be pre-Christmas present-guessers who might think that their boyfriend is a big dumb cheapskate who wrapped a stupid coffee mug and put it under the tree, even though we already have 73 coffee mugs


• The new Geoffrey Dyer book, The Ongoing Moment

And I think that�s all, but how can I say that�s not enough? Oh� do you hear that distant laughter? That�s the Keelhauler, still laughing that his coffee mug hoax was successful.

This has been Keelhauler Korner, with your host, Violet.