Everybody say it, now:

Happy Birthday, Keelhauler!

It's his birthday today. Isn't that so great? Are you all coming by for cocktails? OK, so when you get off the highway, take a left at the clam-cake stand and an immediate right where the little homely girl is selling lemonade for three bucks a glass. (Bitch.)

I'm so sad for the Keelhauler, having to work out to sea on his birthday, so I sent him a surprise package in the mail. (They get a mail drop once a week.) In addition to the card professing my undying affection, I included:

• A box of Devil's Food cake mix. (Duncan Hines, so you know it's la mejor!)


• A tub of frosting. (Flavor unremembered.)


• Candles--about fifty, in case a couple of them melt or break on the way out across the ocean.


• A friendly kitten who wandered over to me on the way to the post office, with a Post-It stuck to his back, reading "My name is Joey!"


• Mint-flavored tooth-flossers


• Three back issues of Kiplinger's


• A stripper and a tube of glitter

I hope he likes it.

I tried to find a copy of this great tape my brother had when he was a kid. It came in a birthday card (I think) and featured a great song sung by a cheerful man who claimed to live on the moon. It went, in part:

Oh, my name is Zoom and I live on the moon
but I came down to Earth just to sing you this tune!
Hey, [kid's name], It's your birthday!
Hey, [kid's name], It's your birthday!
Hey, [kid's name once again for maximum narcissistic impact], It's your birthday... Today!

He'll have to settle for my version of it, which lacks the rich and varied instrumentation of the original, but I will do my best, because I want him to be hapoy. Happy. I meant "happy."

P.S.

OK, so just as I finished that entry, the Keelhauler called and I was able to sing the song to him. I felt confident about my performance, which was nuanced and electric, and tried to approximate the sound of the original. When I finished, I heard an extended period of quiet laughter, then the Keelhauler said, "I've never heard that song before!" and told me I sounded like one of the Sesame Street characters performing a song written by Marge Simpson. I attempted a version in Marge Simpsons voice, but was gently told that perhaps that particular rendition could use "a little work." I can take it. My ego is strong. My name is Zoom, and I live... on the moon.

Star of the day. . .The Keelhauler! Yay!