A number of people (three) have contacted me recently to say I’d appeared in their dreams. Some folks might consider listening to a recitation of dreams irritating, but my refined dream-interpretation skills make the experience fascinating to me, moreso if I play a starring role in the dream under discussion. I always enjoy listening to others’ tales of how I appeared to their sleeping selves as a princess, a famous ice skater, or a collector of rare geraniums or gems. You can’t buy better publicity than appearing unbidden in the brain of a totally passive, sleeping person.

In addition, I am frequently called upon to interpret dreams—it’s true, I am the modern-day Joseph, sans the Egyptian slave bracelets and many-colored coat—and I am always eager to lend assistance at no charge whatsoever. Go ahead—ask me! My interpretations generally run to two themes: 1) You want to have sex with me, or 2) You want to watch me have sex with your girlfriend. Most likely, the interpretation I give you will not reveal that I perceive your desire to have sex with me, but I WILL BE THINKING IT.

The large number of dream-interpretation requests I’ve received of late has created a backlog, and so to assist those of you who may need interpretations, I offer this handy, if abridged, guide. Peruse it, apply it to your own dream, then contact me if you still have questions about symbols not covered herein.

VIOLET’S DREAM INTERPRETATION GUIDE FOR THE VIVID

Ants -- Dreaming of ants indicates the presence of venereal disease in its early stages.

Anteaters -- The dreamer is a creep and/or owes back taxes to the state.

Bats -- Bats flying in a dream signal the onset of flatulence. Sleeping bats are regarding in many cultures as a subconscious understanding that one is in deep denial of one’s true sexuality. Like, perhaps the dreamer wishes to copulate with bats. (Note: that is bad and wrong, and the dreamer should dream something else.)

Blue -- The presence of the color blue in a dream indicates that someone close to the dreamer is a lying, scheming, dishonest convenience-store robber, and should be turned in to the police at the earliest opportunity.

Blue-green -- Blue-green water, gems, or pants symbolize Swedishness on the part of the dreamer or someone he or she knows. Blue-green eyes, however, indicate that the dreamer’s retirement fund has been drained by unscrupulous money managers.

Blue-violet -- The dreamer wants to have sex with me.

Cats -- The dreamer’s car registration is due to expire.

Dogs -- Dogs are a clear indication that the dreamer should expect a visit from Todd Rundgren.

Eggs -- Disable any virus-protection software, and continue as normal.

Fonzie -- Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzerelli’s appearance in a dream heralds the arrival of coupons. (Note: the appearance of the actor Henry Winkler signals expired yogurt.)

Fur -- Fox, sable, or mink in a dream indicates that the dreamer wants to have sex with me and at least two supermodels in a bed of freesias. Otter or raccoon fur signal an impending energy crisis in the dreamer’s immediate municipality.

Gems -- Piles of faceted, unset gems in a dream mean that the dreamer’s book club is secretly meeting without him or her.

Gum -- If the gum is spearmint, the corn crop will fail.

Guns -- Dreaming of guns means that the dreamer is impotent and/or wants to have sex with me. Dreaming of other artillery, e.g., cannons or grenades, indicates a threesome.

Hillary Duff -- At some time in the next three days, the dreamer will apply for work at the post office.

Ice -- See “Gum.”

Ice cream -- Financial insolvency, and/or the arrival of Masonite.

Jam -- The dreamer should check to see that his/her bra strap is not visible.

Jelly -- Stuttering.

Kites -- This is a multiple-part answer. If the kites dreamt of are of the paper variety, say, in the form of a diamond or a dragon, the dreamer should consider a subscription to Architectural Digest. Kites of the avian type indicate an unhealthy interest in World War II memorabilia.

Lemons – Limes -- Those pants make the dreamer look slightly chunky.

Mint -- Mint is a pernicious weed, which makes its appearance in dreams a clear and ominous sign that lambs will always hover near the dreamer.

Nebuchadnezzar -- The dreamer should not ignore that slight whining sound coming from the engine—it could be the water pump failing.

Opie Taylor -- The dreamer will receive a gift of almonds.

Privacy -- A neo-Maoist will attempt to repossess the dreamer’s late-model automobile.

Quakers -- Irritating music will enter the dreamer’s life, causing bad decision-making.

Rodents -- Mice or rats send a message that the dreamer should shave his or her armpits with care. A dream of rabbits indicates that the dreamer is unclear on what is or is not a rodent.