Certain folks are trying to bring me down, but I will not be disturbed, unsettled, annoyed, or in any other way disturbed. That last part is a loose and pointless reference to an essay on San Francisco in Joan Didion�s White Album, which you most likely would not recognize as I�ve distorted it, and more power to you. I included it only to show that even when I am being Oppressed By The Man, which I am, my spirit endures in the form of being able to recall works of art and beauty that I enjoy. It�s a whole left-brain/right-brain thing I�m working on. Like, if you are yelling at me and telling me that I am �hopeless� or, what was the term� �out of control,� I will nod and smile while I secretly concentrate on my memory of the brushstrokes comprising the nose and eyebrows of Matisse�s Femme aux yeux verts. It�s soothing.

There�s another trick I fall back on in times of stress, for example, when a woman calls me on the telephone seemingly for the sole purpose of telling me that I am incompetent, as occurred this morning. That I had never spoken to this woman was as immaterial to her as the fact that her request had nothing to do with me. She yelled. She condescended. I directed the conversation toward the productive as much as I could before I turned down the temperature to �Ice� and informed her that my job was made more difficult by the high decibel level of her voice. And I thought, �What would Jessica do?�

By �Jessica,� I mean Jessica Fletcher, she of Murder, She Wrote fame. Don�t roll your eyes at me, I can see it from here. Jessica is a model of polite decorum and problem-solving even when a murder is not in evidence, and I take her gentle hour-long lessons in etiquette to heart, from the seagoing drama of Episode 2 (�Deadly Lady�) to the dastardly deeds Down Under in Episode 257 (�Southern Double-Cross�). She knows how to handle the impolite and wretched and come out looking like a lady. She would never give anyone the finger, even if they could not see her, for instance, if they were on the phone and had called to yell at her about something that was totally not her fault and tell her she was incompetent at a high decibel level. Even then.

One thing I have learned from Jessica is that when confronted by an idiotic statement, it is acceptable and ladylike to answer with a gentle �I see.� This response is ideal because it gives the illusion of engagement without revealing any information. It is a fitting replacement for my old standby, �Fuck you.� Practice it so you have it at the ready: �I see. I see.� Like that.

So, today, a certain caller expressed, through a splutter that I�m certain sprayed her entire ward with a constellation of saliva droplets, that if I were able to help her, she�d call the Pope and sing my praises. Instead of my usual response (�Eat it, bitch�), I channeled my inner Jessica and said, �Thank you, ma�am, but I�m Episcopalian.� Then I hung up on her. (That part was an accident. I was trying to transfer her.)

Because we cannot let the bastards get us down. Those with unfair access to a phone and a reliable directory will find us somehow, and when they do, they will call us and yell. There is a certain satisfaction to be had when, upon hearing the words �incompetent,� �overpaid� or �idiot� one is capable of responding only, �I see.�

And then hanging up.

Star of the day. . .Jimmy Page