Either I�m overcompensating for my attack of emotional jaundice earlier in the month, or what�s that other thing�? Oh, right: I�ve gone insane. Because, number one, I�m wearing pants encrusted with rhinestones (LIKE A CRAZY PERSON) and striped satin espadrilles. Second, or �B,� I just spent half an hour looking online for something called �Diorshow Ice Pearl Mascara,�which costs $23, and felt actual pangs of sadness when it was unavailable.

Here it is:

I�m not expecting any sympathy, here. I would find it hard to work up a lot of sympathy for anyone whining about the unavailability of $23 clear mascara that supposedly deposits globs of sparkly crystals on your eyelash-tips, creating an ethereal Frost Princess look of great allure. Oh, boo hoo, I would say, and I might say it twice.

I don�t know why I felt the sudden urge for Ice Pearl Mascara. I think it�s because the model on the cover of Sephora�s holiday catalogue is wearing it and looks all frosty and angelic. She also looks about nine years old, and her eyes are a little red, so either she�s been up for thirty hours smoking crack, or the Ice Pearls are emitting toxic fumes. Either way, there�s no way I would ever achieve her fey, snowy glow, even if I purchased forty vials of Ice Pearl Mascara and apply them simultaneously. I know already that the stuff would glob up in giant, non-frosty lumps, creating the illusion that I�d just woken up and hadn�t rubbed the sleep goop out of my lashes. (Hott.)

I can't explain my need for sparkles. It's not really like me, and disturbing, and I'm trying to keep it to a minimum. I'm afraid of heading down the path to crazed middle-aged spinster, all dolled up in leopard-print gauze and a big hat, or something, with lime green jeweled bedroom slippers and a handbag featuring the silhouette of a borzoi outlined in sequins.

Please, someone: I'm in distress, using my BeaDazzler to spell out "HELP" in Austrian crystals on the back of a white denim jacket.

Star of the day. . .Don McLean